Today started off like any other day.
You woke up, brushed your teeth, and then walked back into the bedroom. Then you found your partner sitting on the unmade bed, staring at their hands. They look absolutely miserable and deflated.
“What’s wrong?”
“I have to tell you something, I’m so sorry…”
When you heard your partner brushing their teeth, you were immediately flooded with guilt. The overwhelming guilt. I can’t keep this to myself anymore, I have to say something and I have to come clean. You sit on the unmade bed, still lost in thought when they enter the room.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m so sorry, I have to tell you something, …”
Emotions zip all over the place. You’re heartbroken and angry. By all means, you didn’t want this and you never asked for this!
When betrayed by someone you love, you go through one of the hardest, worst experiences of your life.
When you’re the person who cheated, you’re ashamed. For you, it’s completely out of character and you don’t know why you cheated. At this moment, you hate yourself for hurting and betraying your partner.
Either way, you’re probably wondering, what’s next?
How can trust be restored?
Where do we even begin?
Roughly 70% of couples that attend marriage counseling or couples counseling after infidelity stay together, according to a still referenced 2000 study by psychologist Shirley Glass.
Truly, having a therapist present throughout the healing process ensures you’ll have the best chance of rebuilding your relationship. Therapy prevents unhealthy dynamics relating to any unresolved issues present after the affair.
One of the best ways of working through this process – and ultimately restoring trust – is through the Gottman’s Trust Revival Method. This is a tested approach with a fairly high success rate amongst couples. Seek guidance from a Gottman Method Couples Therapist for best results.
Gottman Trust Revival method include 3 Phases:
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Atone
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Attune
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Attach
1. Atonement
In this phase, as the betrayer, you take full responsibility for your actions, and work to make amends. Part of this phase is being patient with your partner as they seek to understand. The success of this phase includes full transparency and being completely honest. You must answer your partners questions. Also, provide passwords to emails and smartphones, if you are asked.
As the betrayed partner, you also have a responsibility during this period as well. You need to process the hurt and anger and the PTSD that you experience. If your decision is to stay in the relationship, there will come a time when that settles down and you can work to rebuild trust. This can be an extremely painful and difficult process, and one that takes time.
2. Attunement
Once the initial hurt and anger reduces, and if you want to continue, you will move to the Attunement phase. This phase focuses on rebuilding the relationship. Both of you are encouraged to open up, be vulnerable, reconnect, and to share what’s going on. Ultimately, you share how you feel in the relationship and discuss what changes to make to enhance the relationship.
3. Attachment
The final phase, the attachment phase, is for you to reestablish connection. Especially difficult and sometimes triggering for the you if you were cheated on, being willing to lean in again is essential. Love is ultimately a risk and one worth taking. You may have flashes of your partner being unfaithful still. By working through this, and learning how to reignite intimacy and communication, both of you can learn how to once again appreciate, respect, and trust one another.
How long this process takes depends on the couples and the situation. This is not necessarily a linear process but you can go in and out of the phases as you go through affair recovery.
If your relationship has been struck by infidelity, our clinicians are here to help. At the Relationship Therapy Center, we are happy to provide you with a free 15-minute consultation. We know it is possible to save your relationship and restore trust. In fact, we’ve helped others make it happen. It’s time to stop hurting. Call us today, and start healing.
Begin Infidelity Counseling in Roseville, CA:
If you are ready to learn how to rebuild trust after an affair, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin couples counseling in the Sacramento, CA area, please follow these three simple steps:
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Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation
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Make an appointment with one of our Gottman trained therapists
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Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to infidelity counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Couples Counseling, Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, codependency counseling and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones.