Ah, the dating pool. A chaotic confusing place full of mixed messages and red flags.
The optimist in us believes red flags are easy to spot, yet that’s typically not how it works. It’s easy to see them in other people’s relationships, sure. It’s just way more challenging to perceive them in our own.
So, to ensure you don’t become so distracted and hyper fixated on someone that you miss all their red flags—or worse, see the red flags and hastily try and paint them white—it’s important to have a clear understanding of what they are.
Before getting into the red flags though, let’s briefly go over why you might miss them in the first place.
Why You Can’t Spot (or Choose to Ignore) Red Flags
Guess what?
People who dismiss red-flag behavior in others are people who could benefit from therapy.
Putting up with any sort of abuse or disrespect—no matter how seemingly insignificant it is—is not something anyone deserves.
If you find yourself only attracted to certain types of men—like those women who only have eyes for “bad boys,” seeing them as free-spirited passionate mavericks instead of angry unemployed alcoholics—therapy is an excellent resource.
It can help heal the subconscious patterns that keep you caught up in the same cycle of heartbreak and disappointment. In fact, therapy helps cultivate a deep caring relationship with yourself, so much so that you won’t tolerate anything less from a prospective partner.
Now. Let’s take a look at some common red flags.
They ‘Love Bomb’ You
This is a tactic commonly used by narcissists. It’s where someone comes on incredibly strong; almost uncomfortably so.
They shower you with gifts, adoration and attention. They tell you how incredible you are—in fact they’ve never met anyone like you before! They say, “I love you” before they’ve even mastered the pronunciation of your last name.
Love bombing is a red flag for a myriad of reasons. At best, it indicates the person is emotionally immature. At worst, it’s a manipulation tactic and is often a precursor to more emotional abuse.
They’re Unreliable
Everything is going great… then they “ghost” you.
Your texts and calls remain unanswered.
You spend days agonizing over your last interactions. What could you have said or done? What was it, and how can you get them back?
They reappear on the radar weeks later, with some lame excuse for their absence. They assure you it will never happen again. You’re so relieved to have them back, that you choose to ignore the red flag.
Then, they disappear. Again.
This pattern will repeat as long as you let it. It could go on for years until you finally muster the strength to leave.
This is usually the indication of someone who is emotionally avoidant, and scared of commitment.
No matter how many excuses you can make for the behavior, no matter how “good” it is when they’re around, you deserve someone who respects your needs, and doesn’t abandon you over and over.
Simple as that.
They’re Controlling
It may start out with them asking that you change your shirt before you go out on your dinner date. They insist the V-neck top you’re wearing—a top you bought specifically for the occasion—is too revealing.
This type of controlling behavior can lead to criticism, jealousy, and them doing everything within their power to isolate you from friends and family.
A controlling relationship is not a relationship that’s built on an equal playing field.
Someone who tries to change you or limit you in whatever capacity does not have your best interest at heart. This is a red flag that if ignored, can lead to incredibly scary situations.
They Have a Temper
Anger is an emotion that everyone has—it’s a worthy emotion we’re all entitled to.
It’s when people lose control and are unable to process their anger without yelling, making threats, punching walls (or worse!) that it becomes a problem.
If someone has a nasty temper, that’s a red flag. At the very least, it’s an indication that they could benefit from learning how to control their emotions.
Something Seems Off…
“I think he’s married; he probably has a family or something,” You’re telling your friend about your new relationship, and it’s meant as a joke. But deep down, you’re wondering if it’s true.
If something just feels off, you could be right.
In this case, take your time.
Ask direct questions, and pay attention to the answer you get.
A relationship is not a hole that needs to be filled, yet many people settle.
If you’re struggling in this area of your life, we can help.
We believe the foundation of any relationship begins with the relationship you have with yourself.
People who have worked through barriers of shame, a need for validation, and the myriad of other things that make them feel unworthy or less than understand what they need from a partner, and don’t settle for anything less.
Our goal is to provide you with the inner resolve to feel complete and whole, no matter what. If you have any questions at all, please reach out. We’d love to help in any way we can.
Therapy in Roseville, CA, Fair Oaks, CA, or Online in California:
If you are ready to change for the better, we can help. Our therapists are ready to support you in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy lifestyle. To begin counseling in Roseville, CA area, or counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
Contact our counseling office to get more information about what therapy would be best for you and to schedule a free consultation.
Make an appointment with one of our highly trained therapists.
Find support and healing in your life!
Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville, CA and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our services include but are not limited to: Couples counseling, counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.