Learning how to communicate effectively is a superpower. It’s also attainable—the problem is it’s not something most people are taught.
Communication begins by first identifying your feelings, then expressing them in a way that ensures they’re heard and understood without insulting or diminishing the person you’re speaking with.
Communication issues are one of the biggest reasons why relationships fail. The longer a couple goes without learning how to communicate in a healthy manner, the more damaged the relationship becomes.
Here are some of the top communication pitfalls couples typically experience. If any of them sound familiar, don’t worry—there’s a solution.
The Need to Always Be Right
There are many reasons why people feel like they need to always be right. It can be due to insecurities, a competitive nature, fear of failure, fear of appearing stupid, or simply to protect a fragile ego. Sometimes, it can be a combination of these things.
It is also damaging to a relationship. That person who stubbornly clings to something—maybe going as far as bending the truth in a way to drive their point home—is exhausting.
It’s okay to be wrong.
For those who won’t let something go and will fight to the bitter end without backing down even when they’re wrong, it’s worth asking: is it worth it?
Working with a therapist can help uncover where this urge to always be right comes from, and why.
Silent Treatments
Stonewalling your other half and refusing to speak with them is not only childish, it’s incredibly disrespectful.
If there are moments where you’re not sure how you feel and need a little time to try and figure that out, or if you need to cool down before addressing the issue, this needs to be communicated.
It’s unfair and incredibly dismissive to simply ignore your partner and pretend they’re not even there.
Yelling
While it can feel like you’re getting somewhere by yelling, you’re not.
A raised voice creates a hostile environment, and chances are the person may not even hear what you’re saying (oh, the irony) because the defensive reactions and emotional stress brought on by the escalated state makes them less likely to fully process what’s being said.
Many people resort to yelling as a byproduct of their childhood. It’s important that this behavior gets unlearned—it is possible to communicate in a respectful tone even when you’re frustrated and upset.
Name Calling
Referring to your other half by a nasty name is incredibly disrespectful, and can border on abusive. It is never acceptable, no matter how hurt or angry you feel.
It diminishes any semblance of trust and any goodness that resides within the relationship.
Not Being Honest
Lying to your spouse is disrespectful to both them and you. Dishonesty crushes integrity and self-respect, and points to deeper issues you need to address, ideally through therapy.
Not Taking Responsibility
How many arguments could be avoided by just taking responsibility, apologizing, and resolving to do better? The answer is, a lot.
It’s a common occurrence in relationships: one asks the other to do something, they say they will, and promptly forget. When the person who asked approaches them to inquire why the task is still not completed—usually in somewhat of a frustrated state—many make excuses, blaming the lack of follow through on something unrelated. Just think how many arguments could be avoided by just accepting responsibility, and making it a priority to complete the task.
For those who are incredibly busy, don’t have the time, or feel as though the project is beyond their comfort zone, it’s crucial they share that information when asked to do the thing, then discuss an alternative solution.
Establishing Better Communication
Communicating well requires that you and your other half are able to self-regulate, articulate what’s going on, and remove some of the red-hot emotion when discussing heated topics.
Ideally, you want to share how you feel—maybe you’re hurt, jealous, embarrassed, or feel dismissed—all of these are valid feelings. They’re big feelings people tend to mask through yelling, subjecting their partner to silent treatments… the list goes on.
Both you and your other half need to be able to discuss how you’re feeling and why, without casting judgement or blame. It can be tricky to find your communication “sweet spot,” which is where therapy comes in. Therapy is one of the best resources you and your partner have to help you learn how to communicate well.
If this is an area where you struggle, we’re here to help. We offer couples counseling in Roseville and Fair Oaks, and are open weekends as well as during the week to accommodate busy schedules. Feel free to call or text us any time if you’d like to learn more.
Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
- Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
- Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
- Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.