A little over a month ago, your heart was ripped apart and your world came crashing down. Since then, emotions have zipped all over the place – up, down, all the way around – sometimes multiple times throughout the day.
Leaving you ragged and exhausted.
That, coupled with opinions from the friends and family members you’ve confided in, “once a cheater, always a cheater,” has left you reeling as you struggle to find solid ground.
Yet despite all of the uncertainty, there’s something you’re sure of: you’re not ready to give up just yet. You’re willing to try and save the relationship.
But how?
Where to start?
Is this something you can do on your own, or is it best to enlist help from an expert?
The Honest Truth
In order to heal – to fully recover and begin to repair from the ground up – most (if not all) couples require therapy.
Why?
A therapist has seen this before. They have insight and knowledge into things that aren’t always apparent.
From programmed patterns many are not even aware of, to a tendency many people have of sweeping uncomfortable unpleasant things aside. Believing an out of sight out of mind “it’s in the past” mentality is the only way forward, and having little to no inkling how destructive that mindset actually is. How, like toxic mold, unresolved issues and betrayal taints the air of the relationship, making it sour.
Though many people squirm at the prospect of showing their wounds and indiscretions to a stranger, freedom exists on the other side.
There’s freedom in forgiveness and learning how to rebuild trust.
There’s freedom in identifying and healing the internal deficiency that resulted in the affair or infidelity.
When people are able to see these shortcomings and understand they’re not a life sentence, their life becomes richer and more meaningful.
What Happens When Couples Try to Move on From an Affair Without Therapy?
You’ve probably heard the saying, “can’t see the forest for the trees.” This is pretty apt when describing how many people function. Much of what drives behavior, coping, and self-expression are not always apparent.
A therapist helps shine a light on behavior. With their guidance, individuals are able to get to the root of all sorts of things that hinder their journey. Helping them awaken into the present; better able to meet and live up to their full potential.
Like a broken leg that’s never properly set, trying to recover from an affair without doing the deep work will result in a relationship that limps along, marred by not being given an opportunity to properly heal.
Couples who try and move on from an affair without therapeutic intervention often experience:
- Major trust issues
- Deep resentment
- Repeat occurrences (because the root cause of the affair is never examined, dealt with, or healed)
Affair Recovery
When it comes to repairing the damage caused by infidelity, we’ve found one of the best approaches is the Gottman method. For over 50 years, Dr. John Gottman has researched couples, and fine-tuned his highly-effective Gottman therapy model.
This is a proactive approach we love to use, because it works. Rather than listen as a couple hashes it out without providing any structure or framework on how best to move through, Gottman trained therapists invite couples into a space where they are able to deal with everything, without remaining stuck.
Essentially the approach involves three phases:
1. Atone
The atonement phase is based around making amends. The partner who participated in the affair must accept full responsibility for the hurt and anger caused by the betrayal. The therapist helps to keep the conversation productive, without letting it become derailed.
2. Attune
During the attunement phase, each person must be willing and present, actively working on repairing the relationship, and understanding the commitment this entails. This includes opening up to forgiveness.
3. Attach
The last step is to restore intimacy. This can be especially challenging after a betrayal, and should not be rushed.
If you’re looking for couples counseling in Roseville, CA our Gottman trained therapists are here to help.
Navigating life after an affair is brutal and gut wrenching. It’s never a clear straightforward path. It brings up insecurities, past feelings of unworthiness and shame, and plunks them all out, right there in the open.
Instinct may be to shove the challenging feelings away whenever they appear, move on – forgive and forget. This doesn’t work. It prologues the hurt and misery, making it worse.
Those willing to do the hard work of repairing a relationship after an affair need to understand: it’s hard work. Enlisting guidance from a therapist doesn’t make it easier, but it helps immensely. And it may also shorten the amount of time it takes to heal.
If this is where you find yourself, give us a call.
Begin Infidelity Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin counseling in the Sacramento, CA area, please follow these three simple steps:
- Contact our counseling office to get more information about infidelity counseling and to schedule a free consultation,
- Make an appointment with one of our relationship therapists,
- Find support and healing after an affair.
Other Services offered at The Relationship Therapy Center:
In addition to infidelity counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of couples and individual counseling services. Our couples therapy services include: couples counseling, co-parent counseling, divorce counseling, sex therapy, family therapy, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual counseling services include, anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, trauma therapy, addiction counseling, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. Additionally, we offer online counseling for California residents. Please contact our center to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your partner.