The emails, the texts, the lies. The brutal pain of betrayal and heartache that occurs after discovering your partner was unfaithful can be so massive, so all-encompassing, that it often feels as though the only way forward is divorce.
For some, that may be true. For others, well, life is complicated. There may be a lot of extenuating circumstances which ultimately make black and white decisions tricky.
Rebuilding trust after infidelity is possible. It’s not easy, but it is possible.
If you’re reeling after infidelity but want to explore all options before making any hasty decisions, this piece provides insight into reestablishing trust and healing after infidelity.
Infidelity Has Nothing To Do With You
It’s important to note right off the top, infidelity has nothing to do with you. Yes, when someone is unfaithful to you, it can unleash all those painful insecurities, if only I was prettier, thinner, younger, better… whatever.
The truth is, someone else’s infidelity is not your fault.
Interpreting it as something that happened because there is something wrong with you is not only false, it’s a form of self-betrayal that makes the infidelity hurt that much more. Understanding this is fundamental in order to begin healing.
Ensure Your Partner Is On Board
If you are seeking to repair the relationship after an affair, it is critical you both give it one hundred percent.
If your partner refuses to participate, or shows up but seems distant and checked out, you may need to consider other options. The affair or betrayal must be over and done or it will affect any kind of repair work moving forward.
Repairing a relationship after someone has been unfaithful is only possible if both of you are actively involved in the aftermath. Frankly, it often takes help.
Conduct a Post-Mortem on the Relationship
Please note, this does not insinuate that it’s your fault. Infidelity occurs for a multitude of reasons, and sometimes it’s because the relationship lacks a fundamental aspect, such as closeness and connection.
Think about your relationship—again, not from the perspective of ‘it’s all my fault,’ but from the perspective of, what was missing? Were you both so busy, so caught up in your respective lives that the bounty of love and magic that once existed between you withered from lack of nourishment?
Be curious here, non-judgmental.
If you’re serious about mending the relationship, you need to be honest about the parts of it that were lacking, and what you can do in the future to keep the union strong.
Forgiveness Means Forgiveness
Do not feel pressured to forgive them, do not forgive prematurely. You’ll likely be angry, have questions, and need some time to process.
However, when you feel ready to forgive, it’s critical that you fully truly and honestly forgive. You cannot forgive someone, and then continue to drag up a past transgression and use it as ammunition in an argument.
Trust Must Be Earned
Trust after infidelity is really hard to repair, and typically takes time. Honesty is one of the key elements in repairing trust. If you feel the need to check your partner’s phone, or ask them questions, your quest for the truth needs to be honored to ensure trust is restored.
Find a Good Marriage and Family Therapist
You need to work with a therapist who has experience working with couples in similar situations, and is someone both of you feel comfortable with and supported by.
At the Relationship Therapy Center, our team of experts is trained in the Gottman method, one of the most effective strategies to resurrect relationships from the proverbial ashes of infidelity. Please feel free to reach out to us at any time to learn more about how we can help.
Be Prepared for Ups and Downs
Healing takes time. The good news is, if you’re actively working on making lasting changes from a place of love and respect and have a therapist there to guide you on your journey, you’ll come out much stronger than before.
While instincts may tell you to just put it behind you, grin and bear it and move on, that will only breed resentment and misery. Your relationship is something that affects your day-to-day life, and if there’s something that needs to be addressed, address it. Life is too short to be miserable or in denial.
Focus on Reconnecting
Rebuilding intimacy and your connection—both physically and emotionally—is another thing that will take time.
Take it as slow as you need to. Be present with yourself and your feelings, and express them if you need to.
Your therapist will help you with this, ensuring you are honoring both yourselves and each other.
Check in With Yourself
Listen to your intuition, don’t try to rush to “fix” and return to “normal.”
Likely, you’re going to be on an emotional rollercoaster where you’re optimistic one moment, before it plummets you to the depths of despair. It’ll be one of those disorienting rides where you go upside down, and have a hard time finding perspective and footing.
As human beings, there’s this inclination to want to fix things, now. Unfortunately, this process takes time. But if you acknowledge that—let it be okay—and remain present and connected throughout the process, you’re going to come out the other side with an incredible amount of newfound wisdom and strength.
Again, therapy is the best way to move through this challenge. We know how painful and confusing this all can be, and are here if you need us.
Begin Infidelity Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin counseling in the Sacramento, CA area, please follow these three simple steps:
- Contact our counseling office to get more information about infidelity counseling and to schedule a free consultation
- Make an appointment with one of our relationship therapists.
- Find support and healing after an affair.
Other Services offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to infidelity counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones heal and grow.