Chances are, you remember what passion feels like. It’s thrilling; all consuming! Your fantasies know no bounds, and when the two of you get together, clothes off – it’s on!
Fast forward…now it’s mechanical. You find it predictable. Scheduled and wooden. You almost dread it, and that’s if it’s happening at all.
Passion isn’t just limited to the bedroom, either.
The way passion is portrayed in movies and books is as something that simply happens without any effort. The underlying message seems to be: when you’re with your “soul mate,” you don’t have to try. Passion, lust, connectivity and ease, it all occurs naturally. One minute you’re enjoying the sunset from the bow of a ship. Next thing you know, your lover wraps his arms around your waist. You stretch out your arms, “I’m flying!”
Wait no, that’s the movies. You’re in the kitchen, washing dishes. Husband is making a ruckus in the garage.
As the passion fizzles out, you’re left unsure what to do about it. You freeze. Do nothing. But here’s the truth: we’re not really taught how to navigate this, are we?
It is totally normal for passion to dwindle in a marriage or long-term partnership, but it doesn’t mean it’s gone forever.
When you find passion missing from your bedroom and other areas of your romantic life, there are some things you can do to get it back.
Differentiation
Differentiation is the act of seeing yourself as an individual within your relationship. Moreover, you see you and your partner as two separate people.
Confusing.
For many, the message around marriage is, ‘two become one.’
In his book, Passionate Marriage, Dr. David Schnarch highlights the need for each partner to define themselves while also getting closer to one another.
When you tune in to yourself and understand your needs, you get to know yourself better, and are able to share that with your partner.
Seeing your partner as separate from you means you no longer assume they know how you’re feeling. Thus, you need to communicate regularly until it becomes normal.
The Gateway to Passion – Real Intimacy
As sexual intimacy starts to become routine, many couples disengage from their connection. It’s each person for themselves; achieving orgasm ASAP the main objective.
Dr. Schnarch recommends to slow it down. Forget the orgasm for the moment and focus deeply on one another, on touch. Focus on how it feels to be touched.
You might try massage oil. Use it to explore different parts of the body.
Finally you might try the six-second kiss. This is one of the techniques recommended by Dr. John Gottman. Six seconds is all it takes for stress to begin to melt, and for a connection to begin to form between you and your partner.
Check in with Your Partner – and Yourself
It is so easy to get swept up in our routine. We sometimes physically go through the motions while our minds are miles away.
When we lose connection with ourselves it makes it harder to maintain our connection to our partner. And with that goes the deep intimacy that stokes the flame of passion.
If you don’t feel connected to your partner, sex can begin to feel awkward.
Reestablish your connection. Go out for a meal at your favorite restaurant. Talk about anything other than work, bills, kids and just get to know each other again.
Try something new.
Play a game, have fun, and flirt with one another.
When life gets busy and hectic (and truthfully, when is life not busy and hectic?!), It is so easy to simply check out
It’s vital that both you and your partner understand that a relationship – which exists between two living beings – needs to be tended to. Just like every other living thing, it must be cared for and nurtured. Otherwise, after years of neglect one piece after another after another will wither and die, until there’s nothing left.
If you would like further guidance on reigniting passion in your relationship, or if other areas of your marriage need guidance, we can help. Our licensed relationship experts are trained in the Gottman method, a research backed approach that works. They’ve helped many couples navigate tricky issues, learn new skills, and achieve unimaginable levels of connectivity. If you think you could benefit, don’t put it off any longer.
Begin Sex Therapy in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to regain intimacy in your relationship, sex therapy with a couples counselor at The Relationship Therapy Center can help. Our compassionate therapists want to help you and your partner feel comfortable being passionate with each other again. We are here to help support you in your relationship journey. To begin sex therapy at our counseling clinic in the Sacramento, CA area or online, please follow these steps:
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Contact our therapy center to learn more about sex therapy,
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Make an appointment with one of our Gottman trained sex therapists
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Find healing in your relationship and regain intimacy with your loved one.
Other Services offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to sex therapy, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Couples Counseling, Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, codependency counseling and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones.