How to Rebuild a Marriage After Infidelity

He came clean and admitted to the affair, a literal punch in the gut. Your whole perception of reality feels warped. You’re not sure what was real, and your emotions are zipping all over the place.

Your friends, bless them, are trying to be there for you, but most of them are urging you to leave. 

You’re not sure what you want. 

He wants to save the relationship, but you’re just so confused. One moment you feel so close to him and hopeful about your future together, and the next you’re positively seething with anger. Actually, it’s bigger than anger. It’s rage. 

If this is you, please understand. After an affair, it’s completely normal to have no idea what to do. It’s totally normal to feel cast adrift in a world of chaotic confusion.

If you’d like to save the relationship, or if you’re still unsure but think you want to stay married, here’s what you need to do:

1. Find a Couples Counselor

It’s a fact. Couples who utilize couples counseling to rebuild their marriage after an affair fare better than those who don’t. 

If you’re not sure what you want to do, a therapist can help you make an informed decision. Divorce is a big deal, and it should only be arrived at after careful consideration rather than in the heat of the moment emotion.

2. Go All In

To rebuild your marriage, both of you have to want it. Both of you have to be committed to giving 100%. 

This means being vulnerable and admitting things you may be ashamed to admit. 

This means sitting through the hard parts. Peeling back the layers and rolling up the rug to clear out everything that’s been swept underneath.

3. Be Honest

Honesty is critical. Both of you need to be truthful about the state of the relationship prior to the affair. It’s crucial you both open up and have a real discussion about the things you feel ashamed to admit. 

There’s strength in vulnerability. Openness and authenticity engage you in the therapeutic process and set the foundation to rebuild your union. It strengthens your relationship.

4. Establish Boundaries

Your couple’s counselor will help you establish boundaries and expectations. These act as guardrails to help keep the two of you from drifting apart. 

As you conduct a post mortem of the time leading up to the affair, there are likely many small boundaries that were crossed before the moment of betrayal. Establishing guidelines will help rebuild trust. All of these interventions act as a safeguard to prevent the situation from occurring again.

5. Forgive and Rebuild Trust

This is one of the most important pieces of the puzzle, and can be the most challenging to work through. 

Any lingering resentment over the affair will taint the future of your marriage, as will a lack of trust. 

Yet, these feelings are natural. It’s normal to feel them as a protection against the hurt that ensued. You will never forget, but you also don’t need to hang on to the hurt forever to help control the outcome.

Lean into couples counseling here. Your therapist will help you navigate this so that resentment and distrust aren’t carried into your future.

Rebuilding trust after infidelity happens when boundaries are set and guidelines are established. 

This can include things like:

• Allowing each other access to personal electronic devices
• Focusing on cultivating a connection through spending quality time together
• Attending couples’ intensive retreats in conjunction with couples counseling

Your therapist should be able to help you identify multiple ways to rebuild trust based on your particular needs and lifestyle.

6. Create a Shared Vision of the Future

Your marriage is strengthened when you have a clear path carved out that you can both walk towards, hand in hand. 

A shared vision for the future is something your therapist will help you build together. 

When you’re aligned in working towards a shared goal, it’s easier to remain connected. You see a future together. There’s hope.

If you’re looking for therapy in Sacramento, please reach out. As devastating as an affair may be, hope is just a phone call away.

Begin Infidelity Counseling in the Sacramento Area:

If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin counseling in the Sacramento, CA area, please follow these three simple steps:

1. Contact our counseling office to get more information about infidelity counseling and to schedule a free consultation
2. Make an appointment with one of our relationship therapists.
3. Find support and healing after an affair.

Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:

In addition to infidelity counseling, our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville, CA and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our services include but are not limited to: Couples counseling, counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.