If you’re a fixer, here’s the brutal truth: You’re missing the real issue.
Though society holds people with seeming selfless tendencies to a high esteem, the reality is that when you devote all your energy in efforts to fix and control others, you tend to be codependent. You’re often driven to partake in this type of behavior as a result of unresolved wounds.
Here, we’ll take a look at some of the reasons why you gravitate towards being fixers. What you are actually trying to accomplish when you become overly involved in the behavior of others, and if you’re a fixer, what you can do instead.
What is a fixer?
Let’s start by clarifying one thing, there is absolutely nothing wrong with helping people. As social creatures human beings need each other, and it’s important to support others and allow them to do the same for you.
The problem occurs when you devote all your time and energy towards trying to fix and control the actions of others. At the same time, to the point that you let other people’s behavior, mood, or circumstance affect your day.
You neglect yourself and your own life as a result.
You are often not aware you are trying to fix others. While you may not realize you’re unconsciously attracted to people you believe you can save.
If you grew up with tricky family dynamics and were rewarded by adopting the title of the fixer often carry it on into adulthood. Since you believe that’s how a ‘good person’ behaves.
How Do You Become a Fixer?
People who are motivated to fix others often do so for a variety of reasons, many of which stem from childhood.
Here are some of the most common ones:
Trauma
As is the case with many things, the drive to try and fix others is often a trauma response. Trauma eviscerates boundaries, and instills a sense of responsibility to care for others, leading to a codependent dynamic.
Distraction
In fact for some, focusing on other people’s problems is a welcome distraction from dealing with their own. It may even take on a sort of addictive quality and you focus on other people. That allows you to direct your time and attention to them, instead of having to deal with challenges of your own.
Need to be Needed
If you have poor self-esteem or low self-worth you can derive a sense of importance through needing to be needed. This may lead you to become drawn to people who are struggling, as is typical in people with codependent tendencies.
A Desire for Control
Fear and anxiety about other people’s lives, especially people we care for, can become a deep-driver to try and help the person solve their problems.
While it’s perfectly fine to offer suggestions and support, it is not healthy to become so emotionally involved that the other person’s life and decisions become all-consuming to the degree that they influence your thoughts and mood.
If You’re a Fixer, What Can You Do Instead?
Most fixers have a lot of healing to do, and it can be a real challenge for them to work through the issues that influence their desire to fix.
Many are natural nurturers and caregivers, and that’s a beautiful thing. The real work happens in therapy. There, all the layers and factors that influence your behavior and choices can be evaluated and examined.
If you identify as a fixer, therapy is an excellent resource. Your therapist will be able to help you dust away the cobwebs of the past. So you have a clearer idea of who you are and what your own self-worth is, moving forward.
Aside from therapy, here are some things you can focus on to begin to heal.
Unburden Yourself
The world’s pain is not your responsibility to bear. Establish boundaries—clarify what you can and can’t control, and what is and isn’t your responsibility.
Here’s a great place to start: you are not responsible for other people’s actions, choices, or behavior.
Self-Reflect
Get really curious and introspective; ask yourself why:
Do you feel such a strong inclination to save others?
And ask your self how:
Does engaging in the behavior make you feel?
Do you feel when you aren’t actively trying to fix someone?
And who?
In your life are you trying to fix, and why?
Did you try to save in the past, and what’s the current status of those relationships?
Know Your Own Self-Worth
You are inherently worthy, and do not become more worthy or “better” than others when you spend all your time and energy trying to fix other people’s lives.
Again, it’s wonderful to care for people and help them, but you need to have clear healthy boundaries in place first. Becoming hyper-involved in saving people to the extent that you’re neglecting yourself and your family is not healthy for them or you.
Learn to recognize your own needs, heal yourself, and discover your own worth. Therapy is an excellent resource to help work through some of the pain and trauma that often hinders a relationship to self.
At the Relationship Therapy Center, we believe the foundation of any relationship begins with the relationship a person has with themselves. If you’re struggling, please, reach out. Life is so precious, and the more in tune you are with yourself the better life becomes. We have two convenient northern California locations, and offer individual therapy and couples counseling in Roseville and Fair Oaks. Feel free to call or text any time, we’d love to hear from you.
Therapy in Roseville, CA, Fair Oaks, CA, or Online in California:
If you are ready to change for the better, we can help. Our therapists are ready to support you in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy lifestyle. To begin counseling in Roseville, CA area, or counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
- 1. Contact our counseling office to get more information about what therapy would be best for you and to schedule a free consultation.
- 2. Make an appointment with one of our highly trained therapists
- 3. Find support and healing in your life!
Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville, CA and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our services include but are not limited to: Couples counseling, counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.