You’ve just had another bad fight. You spent the whole weekend fixated on your phone, and they never called or responded to your texts.
“It’s rude, disrespectful! You told me we should do something Saturday, and then…nothing!”
You were literally a bundle of nerves, hovering over your phone. You needed them to call—text—something with such intensity, you described it to your friend as though it were a drug and you needed a fix. When your friend called, you’d reached for your phone in relief, only to feel your stomach sink upon realizing it wasn’t who you were desperate to hear from…. Of course, you don’t tell your friend that part.
Have you ever experienced something like this? Something that you know is dysfunctional and toxic, yet you feel powerless against it? Where the intensity and desire for the person is so strong and all-consuming that it feels as though you must be soul mates?
If so, you’re likely caught up in a powerful force known as Attachment Theory.
What is Attachment Theory?
We are all born with an intense need to bond with a caregiver. It’s integral to our survival. Attachment theory suggests that if the attachments we form with caregivers in our early years is insecure in any way—meaning a parent is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or doesn’t meet our needs—that will likely be imprinted subconsciously.
We’ll head out into the world not realizing that we’re choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable or inconsistent—based on what we know from our early experience—triggering that old attachment wound.
The Insecure Attachment Styles and How They Influence Relationships
Here’s a quick overview of the three main insecure attachment types. As you read through, think about your current relationship and relationships you’ve had in the past. It’s also helpful to note how safe, heard, and understood your parents or caregivers made you feel during your childhood.
Anxious Attachment: This attachment style develops if a caregiver is unpredictable or inconsistent, for example they’re available some of the time and other times they’re not present or able to meet their child’s needs.
As a result, adults with this attachment wound may feel as though they need their partner, leading to jealous outbursts and clingy behavior. They may also be hypervigilant of their partners moods and behavior.
Avoidant Attachment: People with this style of attachment may have experienced abuse or neglect, and often were raised by “cold” emotionally unavailable parents, or parents who discouraged closeness.
As a consequence, those with this attachment wound are highly independent believing that they—and they alone—are the only ones who can meet their needs. They have a hard time trusting or feeling safe with emotional attachment. In relationships they are prone to withdrawing, disappearing, and sometimes seeming completely disinterested.
Disorganized Attachment (aka Anxious Attachment): This attachment style is the result of abuse, neglect, or trauma. A child may develop this attachment style if their caregiver was both their source for comfort but could also be someone who inflicted pain and fear.
This leaves them with conflicting desires. On one hand they may fear abandonment, but aren’t totally comfortable engulfed in closeness either. They may have somewhat volatile emotional outbursts, and switch between being anxious and avoidant. Being in a relationship with a disorganized attached person is often described as a rollercoaster.
Identifying and Healing Your Attachment Style
If you, your partner, or both have tendencies that lead you to believe you may have an insecure attachment style, therapy is helpful.
As with anything, the key lies in first identifying the problem. And of course, this can be really challenging when the behavior and drive exists “behind the scenes,” lurking below what’s immediately accessible to the conscious mind.
The good news is, once it’s identified, it’s much easier to fix.
If you find yourself in a tumultuous relationship, or your relationship history is one rollercoaster ride after another, it could indicate that you may have an insecure attachment style.
If that’s the case, therapy is your best recourse to pulling back the layers, and re-writing that old script. You’ll learn what it means to have a secure attachment style, while also healing some of those deep wounds that have been influencing behavior in relationships for your entire adult life.
At the Relationship Therapy Center, we believe that the foundation of any good relationship starts with a loving, caring and respectful relationship to self. Once that’s achieved, anything is possible.
Begin Relationship Therapy for One in Roseville, CA or Fair Oaks, CA:
If you are ready to make lasting changes in your life to strengthen your relationships with others, we can help! Our therapists are trained to provide relationship therapy for one for adults living in the Sacramento Area or online in the state of California. You can begin relationship therapy for one in Fair Oaks, CA or Roseville, CA by following these easy steps:
- Contact the Relationship Therapy Center to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and learn more about relationship therapy for one.
- Meet with one of our relationship therapists.
- Begin relationship therapy for one and work on the skills you need to have meaningful and healthy relationships.
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to relationship therapy for one, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones heal and grow.