So, in a previous blog I talked about the blocks to listening. There is more to listening though, than just being aware of your blocks.
Here are the seven steps to better listening.
Steps to Listening
1. Stop what you are doing, face the person, become present and then listen. Stop typing on the computer, balancing your checkbook, or staring off into space. It is time to be a detective. Try to understand what is being shared, what is being conveyed and possibly guess the emotions that might be going on for the speaker. Just because you are listening doesn’t mean that you agree. Your role at this time is to make sure that you understand what they are saying. As well as for you to ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand and let the speaker know that they are heard.
Make Sure It’s the Right Time
2. It might not be the best time for you at that moment. Rather than pretend to listen and stay disconnected. Tell your partner, “You know, this really isn’t a good time for me to give you my full attention, can we get back together in about an hour?” Especially for introverts. If you can’t listen due to your energy, don’t feel guilty. Because to listen when you aren’t available will cause “flooding” and you will “check out” anyway.
Practice
3. A good way to practice active listening is to ask clarifying questions and paraphrase what you hear. Some sample lead in’s follow.
What I hear you saying is….
Let me understand, what was going on for you was….
In other words….
Do you mean?
When you say_______, do you mean?
Your speaker will let you know if you are on track with them or if you aren’t can clarify what they mean to get to a deeper level with you.
4. An advanced skill is to try to guess what the speaker might be feeling. The trick here is not to say affirmatively, “oh, you feel angry” like you know for sure, but to take a curious approach, “Your tone of voice sounds angry when you say that, is that right?” or “Oh, it sounds as if you were hurt then, is that right?”
5. Once the speaker knows that you heard them, you have connection and an opportunity for you to respond. Just because you hear what they say, understand how whatever happened affected your partner, doesn’t mean you see it that exact way (especially if you were involved). It does mean that you are connected and your partner feels heard. It is then, that you can speak what is true for you.
Improving your listening skills draws you closer in your relationships and sets the stage for both parties to be heard.
Nancy Ryan, LMFT
Nancy Ryan, LMFT and Certified Gottman Method Therapist in Sacramento mentors all of our clinicians to be excellent therapists and use the Gottman Method of couples counseling effectively. We have years of experience helping people with communication and working with couples in the Sacramento area including Roseville, CA and Fair Oaks, CA. If you need help with communication in your relationship, reach out today for more help. Call 916-426-2757 or email info@sacrtc.com