So, in a previous blog I talked about the blocks to listening. There is more to listening, though, than just being aware of your blocks.

What are the seven steps to better listening?

Steps to Listening

1.     Stop what you are doing, face the person, become present and then listen.  Stop typing on the computer, balancing your checkbook, or staring off into space.  It is time to be a detective.  Try to understand what is being shared, what is being conveyed and possibly guess the emotions that might be going on for the speaker.  Just because you are listening doesn’t mean that you agree.  Your role at this time is to make sure that you understand what they are saying. As well as for you to ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand and let the speaker know that they are heard.

Make Sure It’s the Right Time

2.    It might not be the best time for you at that moment.  Rather than pretend to listen and stay disconnected.  Tell your partner, “You know, this really isn’t a good time for me to give you my full attention, can we get back together in about an hour?”  Especially for introverts. If you can’t listen due to your energy, don’t feel guilty. Because to listen when you aren’t available will cause “flooding” and you will “check out” anyway.

Practice

3.    A good way to practice active listening is to ask clarifying questions and paraphrase what you hear.  Some sample lead in’s follow.

What I hear you saying is….

Let me understand, what was going on for you was….

In other words….

Do you mean?

When you say_______, do you mean?

Your speaker will let you know if you are on track with them, or if you aren’t, they can clarify what they mean to get to a deeper level with you.

4.    An advanced skill is to try to guess what the speaker might be feeling.  The trick here is not to say affirmatively, “Oh, you feel angry,”  like you know for sure, but to take a curious approach, “Your tone of voice sounds angry when you say that, is that right?” or “Oh, it sounds as if you were hurt then, is that right?”

5.    Once the speaker knows that you heard them, you have a connection and an opportunity for you to respond.  Just because you hear what they say and understand how whatever happened affected your partner doesn’t mean you see it exactly the same way (especially if you were involved).  It means you are connected, and your partner feels heard.  It is then that you can speak what is true for you.

Improving your listening skills draws you closer in your relationships and sets the stage for both parties to be heard.

Begin Therapy in the Sacramento Area or Online:

Are you ready to improve your communication in your relationship? We are here to support you and provide high-quality evidence-based treatment to people in the Sacramento Area and online for people living in the state of California. To begin trauma therapy in Fair Oaks, CA or Roseville, CA, please follow these steps:

1. Reach out to our relationship therapy clinic for a free 15-minute phone consultation to learn more about therapy.
2. Meet with one of our compassionate therapists.
3. Begin trauma treatment and regain control in your life.

Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:

In addition to communication therapy, our Sacramento-area counseling clinics in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA, are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Individual therapy services include, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones heal and grow.