What is Passive-Agressive Communication?

Passive-aggressive, just like many other psychiatric terms, has become a label used in everyday speech. Unfortunately, that means it often gets stamped onto behavior that isn’t at all passive-aggressive, and it loses its meaning.

But passive-aggressive behavior is a real issue that can lead to serious problems – frustration, anger, and conflict – in a marriage. It’s a pattern of covert manipulation and passive obstruction. The passive-aggressive spouse manages to make their partner look unreasonable and emotionally volatile, while they appear completely calm.

Has this happened to you? Does your spouse have a way of blaming you for the anger they are provoking?

How can you tell if you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive person? And what can you do to cope?

Recognizing Passive Aggressive Behavior

A passive-aggressive person often is codependent, who suffers from low self-esteem, and is unable to express their own anger. They fear being controlled by others and their weaknesses exposed. They will therefore sabotage whatever your wants, needs, or plans are. That way, they get you upset enough to act out their unconscious anger.

Passive-aggressive behavior includes pervasive patterns of:

Ambiguity

They don’t say what they want, neither do they mean what they say. In whatever way possible, they will try to avoid being pinned down or taking a stand.

Chronic Lateness

You’re waiting for them to be ready, but they always seem to be caught up in other things. At times, they’re dismissed from their job because they’re frequently late turning in assignments.

Denial/Playing the Victim

They are masters at blaming others, refusing to take any responsibility for their own behavior – distorting the truth, minimizing their part, rationalizing, or flat out lying about it.

Forgetfulness

Rather than saying “no” when you asked them to do something, they conveniently forget what it was they were supposed to do.

Incompetence

If and when they finally do what they’ve been asked to do, they often intentionally perform the task inefficiently. They make careless errors, or cause a huge mess.

Losing Things

They always lose things, but rather than admit their problem, they blame others for the loss, getting them to solve the issue for them.

Negativity

Sulking, pouting, and stubbornness might be part of their tactics. Often, they also have an argumentative, critical, and envious personality.

Obstructing

When you try to make plans, they find fault with everything you suggest. At the same time, are not willing to make any suggestions themselves.

Procrastinating

They delay doing things with endless excuses and feigned misunderstandings. They drag their feet to handle responsibilities, keeping promises or sticking to agreements.

Rejection/Withdrawal

They’ll withdraw from you and give you the silent treatment, refusing to talk things out. Or they shut down conversations with “fine” and “whatever.” At times, they even withhold affection, sex, or material and financial support.

How to Cope With Passive Aggressive Behavior

Above all, don’t become a participant in your partner’s unproductive cycle of conflict!

• Don’t nag or scold, nor pay them back in-kind: Address noncompliance directly and assertively. Describe the behavior you dislike, explain how it affects your relationship, then let them come up with a solution for the issue.

• Let them handle their responsibilities: It will only enable more passive-aggressive behavior. Instead, state clearly what you need, but then let them decide when and how they will do it. This negates their ability to control you through their inaction.

• Resist them maneuvering you into extreme emotions and actions in response: Own your feelings – guilt, anger, frustration – control them, and then let them.

• Do not accept blame for their bad tendencies: Simply express that you hope they’ll get it figured out, and go about your day!

Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:

If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:

1. Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
2. Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
3. Find support and healing in your relationship!

Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:

In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.