Much of our identity and ideas about how to safely navigate the world are formed when we’re young. As any adult can attest, children are waaaaay too underqualified to make these big decisions. Yet when kids grow up in dysfunctional households, that’s often exactly what happens: children develop less than ideal coping strategies.
People pleasing is one of the behaviors most of us use to get positive reinforcement for existing On the surface, it seems like a good quality to have. Who doesn’t want to be seen as an agreeable person who puts others first?
Yet, people pleasing is one of those maladaptive coping strategies children often adopt due to fear of abandonment, trauma, conflict avoidance, and other factors. Even societal conditioning can influence behavior, as it constantly asserts that a “good person” prioritizes other people’s needs ahead of their own.
Now obviously, there’s nothing wrong with considering other people. As human beings, we have a responsibility to account for those around us. It gets dicey when we consistently attend to others while ignoring our own needs. We remove ourselves and what we need to do to take care of ourselves from the equation, focusing on everyone else instead.
If you suspect you’re a people pleaser, answering “yes” to a few or all of these bullet points is a good indicator you are:
- The idea of telling someone no terrifies you
- You’re chronically burned out
- You never have time for yourself
- You feel underappreciated and resentful
- You say yes when you want to say no, because otherwise you feel guilty
People pleasers often run themselves ragged trying to please others and end up empty and exhausted.
I’m a People Pleaser, Now What?
Undoing the compulsion to please others is a lot harder than it sounds. Again, this is a survival-based tactic you have probably been doing for decades now. Learning to quit the behavior is going to feel as wrong or as clumsy as a right-handed person deciding they’re left-handed now.
Here are a few tips that can help break the cycle. Before you say yes to something, ask yourself:
- Do I have the time?
- Why am I saying yes? (Is it something you genuinely want to do, or are you doing it because you think you should?)
- What am I worried will happen if I say no?
For more tips on boundaries, read here
The best way to stop people pleasing is to find a therapist who can help you eradicate the behavior. Your therapist will help you understand why the urge exists and guide you through rebuilding your self-esteem. They will help you find ways to eliminate the whole song and dance you tend to do while going the extra nine yards trying to make people like you. That doesn’t mean you are going to turn selfish, just course correct.
People pleasing is exhausting, plain and simple. As with working through any maladaptive strategy, understanding and healing the core of your people-pleasing tendencies will aid in developing a deeper, better understanding of yourself overall.
Search “therapist for people pleasing near me,” or give us a call. The Relationship Therapy Center has two Northern California locations, one in Roseville and the other in Fair Oaks. Oh, and we do virtual sessions in California, too! Please reach out anytime to learn more.
Begin Individual Therapy in the Sacramento Area
Individual therapy provides many benefits for both your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. From handling challenging life events to learning to live with ongoing mental health issues to simply getting help with everyday stress, seeking counseling can help you live your best life.
If you are ready to start individual therapy, we have a variety of exceptional therapists ready to help you. Take a look at their bios and if you would like to schedule a free 15-minute consultation give us a call.
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to Individual therapy for adults our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones heal and grow.
Certified Gottman Therapist
Nancy Ryan, LMFT & Certified Gottman Therapist, is the Founder and Clinical Director of Relationship Therapy Center, with 15+ years of experience supporting clients in Sacramento, Placer, and El Dorado Counties, and with offices in Roseville, CA, and Fair Oaks, CA. Our team also supports clients throughout California, Idaho, and Washington
She specializes in couples counseling, mentoring, and training her therapists on how to be excellent therapists. Nancy is also featured in a variety of media and provides couples therapy weekend workshops and retreats.
Relationship Therapy Center uses evidence-based approaches such as EMDR for trauma, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Mindfulness, and Motivational Interviewing to treat individuals. Family therapy focuses on family systems and Play Therapy for children. Evidence-based couples therapy includes using the Gottman Method, Gottman Method Affair recovery/infidelity counseling, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Attachment therapy, and David Schnarch's Crucible Therapy, including differentiation. The whole team is in weekly training on trauma-informed care, somatic techniques, sex therapy, and different topics each year.
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