You just had another bad fight. The whole weekend you fixate on your phone, and they never call or respond to your texts.
“It’s rude, disrespectful! You told me we should do something Saturday, and then…nothing!”
Literally a bundle of nerves, you hover over your phone. You need them to call—text—something with such intensity, you describe it to your friend as though it were a drug and you need a fix. When your friend calls, you reach for your phone in relief, only to feel your stomach sink when you realize it is not who you were desperate to hear from.
Have you ever experienced something like this? You know it is dysfunctional and toxic, yet you feel powerless against it? Where you feel the intensity and desire for the person so strongly that it feels as though you must be soul mates?
If so, you’re likely caught up in a powerful force known as Attachment Theory.
Does Attachment Theory Influence My Relationship ?
We are all born with an intense need to bond with a caregiver. It’s integral to our survival. Attachment theory suggests we are affected if the attachments we formed with our caregivers in our early years were insecure in any way. If your parent was inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or didn’t meet your needs, you are left with this imprint that people can’t be trusted. We tend to find people that prove that belief.
You head out into the world and you don’t realize that you choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or inconsistent. But you do this based on what you know from your early experience.
Insecure Attachment Styles and How They Influence Relationships
Here’s a quick overview of the three main insecure attachment types. As you read through, think about your current relationship and relationships you’ve had in the past. It’s also helpful to note how safe, heard, and understood your parents or caregivers made you feel during your childhood.
Anxious Attachment: This style develops if a caregiver is unpredictable or inconsistent. For example they’re available some of the time and other times they’re not present or able to meet the child’s needs.
As a result, adults with this attachment wound may feel as though they need their partner. This often leads to jealous outbursts and clingy behavior. You may also be hypervigilant to your partners moods and behavior.
Avoidant Attachment: People with this style of attachment experienced abuse or neglect. Similarly, they often were raised by “cold” emotionally unavailable parents, or parents who discouraged closeness.
As a consequence, those with this attachment wound are highly independent. You believe that you, and you alone, are the only one who can meet your needs. Confused, you have a hard time trusting and don’t feel safe with emotional attachment. That is, in relationships you tend to withdraw, disappear, and sometimes seem completely disinterested.
Disorganized Attachment (aka Anxious Attachment): This style is the result of abuse, neglect, or trauma. A child develops this attachment style if their caregiver was both their source for comfort and could also inflict pain and fear.
This leaves children with conflicting desires. On one hand, they fear abandonment, but aren’t totally comfortable engulfed in closeness either. Of course, they may have somewhat volatile emotional outbursts, and switch from being anxious to avoidant. If you are in a relationship with a disorganized attached person you often describe it as a rollercoaster.
Identify and Heal Your Attachment Style
If you or your partner, think you may have an insecure attachment style, therapy helps.
As with anything, the key is to identify the problem. And of course, this can be a challenge when the behavior and drive exists “behind the scenes,” As if it lurks below what’s immediately accessible to the conscious mind.
The good news is, once you identify the pattern, it’s much easier to fix.
When you find yourself in a tumultuous relationship, or your relationship history is one rollercoaster ride after another, it indicates that you may have an insecure attachment style.
If that’s the case, therapy is your best recourse to pull back the layers, and re-write that old script. You’ll learn what it means to have a secure attachment style. While also allowing you to heal some of those deep wounds that influence behavior in relationships for your entire adult life.
At the Relationship Therapy Center, we believe that the foundation of any good relationship starts with a loving, caring and respectful relationship to self. Once that’s achieved, anything is possible.
Begin Relationship Therapy for One in Roseville, CA or Fair Oaks, CA:
If you are ready to make lasting changes in your life to strengthen your relationships with others, we can help! Our therapists are trained to provide relationship therapy for one for adults living in the Sacramento Area or online in the state of California. You can begin relationship therapy for one in Fair Oaks, CA or Roseville, CA by following these easy steps:
- Contact the Relationship Therapy Center to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and learn more about relationship therapy for one.
- Meet with one of our relationship therapists.
- Begin relationship therapy for one and work on the skills you need to have meaningful and healthy relationships.
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to relationship therapy for one, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones heal and grow.