Anger is a totally normal human emotion. It can and should be expressed in healthy manners to help resolve conflict between two (or more) people.

Some people experience anger in a way that creates an intense buildup in the body. Then they show their discontent at a particular situation in a way that seems bigger than what is called for. And this often ends up with them being explosive.

There are four very distinct types of anger:  

1. Assertive
2. Aggressive
3. Passive-aggressive
4. Suppressive

Out of the four different types, just one is considered a healthy one. Assertive anger is a healthy form of expression. Because it’s focused on honesty, avoiding humiliation, and trying to remain respectful to solve a problem. Therefore, it is best to express anger assertively.

The other three forms remain an unhealthy form to express anger and are an immediate red flag.  When you feel fear that your partner’s anger has gone too far. Or you fear domestic abuse within your home or a loved one’s, please call this number here.

Intermittent Explosive Disorder – What Is It?

However, another form of anger is called Intermittent explosive disorder (IED). And it is defined by either 3 verbal or physical aggression that occurs twice weekly for a duration of 3 months.  Or 3 behavioral outbursts involving destruction to property or physical injury to animals or other individuals over a period of 12 months.

Signs that your partner has Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Low tolerance for angry situations

People with IED tend to get angry very quickly and over the smallest things. They tend to burst out into explosive anger over events typical people can easily and effortlessly brush off. Aside from this type of anger occurring at certain moments, it can also tend to occur randomly and for no good reason.

Rage

While anger is normal and is felt by most people, those suffering from IED get outbursts of rage. Notably, they have child-like tempers and uncontrollable behavior. In fact, they cannot seem to express this rage in a healthy way. These outbursts tend to last roughly about 30 minutes. A good solution for this type of outburst is to stay calm, not engage and wait until they’ve settled down. Even if you have to remove yourself from the area.

Mood changes before an episode

Experiencing a mood change is normal, but just like most other symptoms, mood changes with IED are extreme. Those who experience IED change drastically. And they don’t seem to remember how they reacted during an episode. In addition, you can see this when their expression changes during an episode. You witness these as dead eyes and a blank face.

Guilt

A common reaction after an episode of explosive anger is guilt. And it’s important to not shame your loved one, as they feel ashamed of themselves. Further guilt will just lead to further complications. Instead, try to lead with compassion and see from their point of view (if possible). Of course, this is difficult if there has been verbal abuse or if it is hard for you to comprehend or tolerate. Seek help from a therapist if needed.

Frustration

People with IED tend to feel a general sense of frustration on a daily basis.  You may notice that they are constantly irritable, this is a sign of IED.

Tips To Deal With Explosive Episodes

In particular, it can be very frustrating to have a spouse with IED. Which is why it’s important to have support with IED and have the right tools to deal with the episodes when they arise. Here are 4 tips to dealing with someone with IED:

Stay calm

As their tempers only last for about 30 minutes, wait for your partner to come back to their regular senses and emotions. They will likely be in a better place to conflict-solve while in a more calm state. Try not to respond to anger with anger. Because it often leads to a downward spiral of even more angered emotions.

Be compassionate

Your partner will likely feel ashamed and guilty after a temper. Problems aren’t solved when you lead with more shame and guilt. Instead, try to think from their perspective and point of view if possible with compassion. Of course, this will have a better impact on problem-solving. Not always easy.

Set Boundaries

Partners need to respect personal space at all times. It is appropriate to take space from one another. In addition, don’t feel obligated to put your spouse’s needs above your own. Put boundaries in place to protect you from your spouse’s temper and demands while angry.

Emotional safety

Mindfulness, relaxation, and centeredness create a sense of emotional safety for all of us. Therefore, it is important that your partner work on these skills. These tools can quickly bring you back to a state of being grounded and calm. Remember that it is fair to request that your partner work on these skills with help from a therapist to keep the relationship going. Tools like these will also help you deal with your partner as well.

How is IED treated?

IED comes from past experiences and traumas that now trickle over into new experiences and scenarios. The first step in treatment is to have a complete psychological exam. Then continued treatment using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and other methods can help. Your partner must be committed and be ready to do the work. Other treatments such as medication can also help facilitate the process. Certain lifestyle changes must be made to encourage a healthier lifestyle and environment. Relaxation exercises like meditation, movement, and mindfulness are a few tools that can be used to help someone with IED.

You are not alone

While dealing with a spouse with explosive anger is draining and feels like an isolating experience, it’s important to remember that you are not alone. Others deal with this in their relationship and therapy can help you with tools to help or a professional to help you make decisions.  Also it is not heroic to continue to allow this to happen without recommending that your partner seek help.

People with the disorder may become violent. If your loved one will not get help, it’s important to remember that your safety and the safety of your family are your priority. Have a plan in place to protect yourself and your loved ones, including pets.  Seek professional help or the help of a domestic abuse hotline or shelter. This is likely something that you can not manage and you certainly are not responsible for it. 

Work With A Marriage Counselor in California

Meeting with a marriage counselor helps your partner better control their anger, and foster stronger bonds. Our caring therapists would be happy to offer support from our Sacramento area counseling practice. Contact our team today to learn more about the benefits of marriage counseling today! To start your counseling journey, please follow these simple steps:

1. Contact us to schedule a free 20-minute phone or video consultation
2. Meet with a caring therapist
3. Reconnect with your partner

Other Services offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:

Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Couples Counseling, Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, codependency counseling and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones.