Asserting your needs in a relationship can feel so challenging that often, people just don’t.
Or, they’ll ask for what they want, but never enforce any type of consequence or set a boundary when their request is dismissed.
Distinguishing the difference between requests, boundaries and threats is extremely important for anyone in a relationship, and it’s imperative that you understand when (and why!) to implement each.
A Request
Whenever you make a request, you are asking someone to change their behavior. However, whether they choose to comply or ignore your request is completely out of your control.
For example, if you requested that your partner stop texting that person from work because you saw an exchange that made you uncomfortable and you’re worried they may be having an affair—but then found out they’re continuing to message on Facebook messenger, it’s time to set a boundary.
A boundary that you’re able to enforce.
A Boundary
Using the example above, setting a boundary might involve assessing your overall relationship, and thinking about what you will and will not tolerate.
If your other half continues to ignore your requests and continues to engage in inappropriate communication, your boundary might be something like, “I am uncomfortable staying in this relationship while you continue to communicate with this other person. I am asking you to stop or I will have to make other choices for myself.”
In this case—or whatever your situation is—it’s important that you’re prepared to actually follow through with the boundary you’ve set even if they still choose to ignore your request.
This is where therapy—both individual sessions and/or couples counseling—can really help.
Navigating relationships can be really tricky and confusing because there’s a lot at stake. You love them, and it’s hard to think about following through on boundaries you’ve set if it means you may lose them in the end.
A Threat
A threat or ultimatum is not necessarily a boundary. Now, here’s where it gets tricky.
In the heat of an argument, many people make threats about what they’ll do if such and such doesn’t change. However, these threats are often empty. The couple makes up and it’s smooth sailing for a while… until it happens again.
If it’s not remedied, this cycle wears on a relationship until it falls apart, often leaving a lot of hurt feelings and sometimes ill-will in its wake.
Boundaries are incredibly important, and if you’re not getting your needs met in your relationship—perhaps your partner isn’t affectionate with you, they seem closed off, and you’re lonely—it’s important that this gets communicated. Otherwise, you’ll end up in an unhappy and unfulfilling union.
Therapy is an excellent way to clearly map out the issues (because we all know how confusing and exhausting it can be when things just roll around over and over in our head!) and come up with a solution.
If the person you’re with is unable to honor your request, it may mean that the boundary needs to be enforced—the relationship has run its course.
However, the best-case scenario is one where the two of you learn to communicate better. You’re able to work through those patterns and issues that kept you stuck in the same exhausting cycle of arguing, making up, and arguing, over and over again.
Learning to stand up for yourself by identifying what you need in a relationship and then articulating it to your partner is the key to a happy relationship: either they honor your request and step up, showing you how much they care by following through on your request, or they don’t—and you find someone else who does.
This isn’t something every couple is expected to figure out on their own however, and if you think you’d benefit from working through this with a therapist, please reach out. Our couples counselors have helped countless people navigate their relationship challenges and can help you, too. Give us a call or text anytime to learn more.
Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
- Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
- Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
- Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.