Want to know the number one reason for couple’s spats?
Any guesses?
Here’s a hint: Shakespeare knew…
This is the reality: Most couples make much ado about nothing. Not to say that what’s being discussed is inconsequential, of course it matters. It’s the delivery and emotion—coupled with how healthy or unhealthy the communication and relationship dynamics are—that escalates a conversation into an argument.
Let’s take a deeper look at what causes these spats, and tricks couples can employ to communicate more effectively.
Communication
Poor communication is one of the main reasons conversations escalate, turning what started off as fairly neutral into a tiff or full-blown argument.
Communication is such an important skill with so many dimensions that even though we’ll go over some of what leads to arguments here, it’s impossible to cover communication its entirety. Suffice to say that if this is an area you’ve identified you struggle as a couple, therapy is an excellent resource.
Learning to express your feelings and needs in a way that allows them to be heard and understood without blaming or shaming your spouse is imperative. This means you need to be clear about how you feel. You need to learn to identify your emotions and be honest about them when communicating with yourself and your other half.
Communicating in a way that expresses how you feel without finger pointing or belittling your spouse is the best way to be heard. It works better than yelling every time.
Tone and Delivery
Maybe your husband doesn’t actually think you’re an idiot—he just speaks to you as though he believes you are. Maybe your wife doesn’t really think you’re lazy, it’s just the way she speaks to you insinuates her disdain.
Tone and delivery are so important in relationships. When we get comfortable with people many of the social graces we naturally extend to others fall away. This can leave our raw edges exposed, often stirring up more than just the topic at hand.
There are so many things that affect tone and delivery. From the mood we’re in—how tired we feel, whether or not we’ve had a bad day—to how charged or “triggering” the topic is.
The way you speak to your partner can incite a powerful reaction, so be mindful of tone and delivery.
Lack of Respect
Mutual respect is one of the most important parts of a relationship. Once that is lost, everything that is good within the relationship typically disappears as well.
When respect is lost in a relationship, courtesy and understanding are usually missing too.
For those who feel as though respect is lacking in their relationship, the best chance of working through the challenges and saving the union is to undergo couples counseling.
Contempt
This is one of the big predictors that a relationship is on its way to the end, according to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman.
If discussions often lead to name calling, mocking, or eye rolling, the relationship is in serious trouble.
Relationships where communication is smeared with contempt are in desperate need of therapeutic intervention, and sometimes the damage is too great to undo.
It’s Never About the Dishes…
It can be quite interesting to take a step back and conduct a post mortem on the emotions and circumstances that lead to arguments.
For couples who feel as though they’re having the same argument over and over, it may be because they’re not discussing what’s really bothering them, and are using trivial decoys as a vessel to air their frustrations instead.
For example, the dishes commonly get used as something couples argue about. Yet what’s often behind the dishes, the real reason one party is upset, is because they feel undervalued in some way.
Rather than address the actual issue (perhaps because they don’t want to appear too vulnerable or needy), they direct their anger and the topic they’re heated about to the dishes instead. Thus avoiding what’s really bothering them, never addressing the actual cause.
Therapy is an excellent resource that can help couples trapped in these dynamics. Oftentimes, people’s behavior is influenced by unresolved issues or trauma they may not even be consciously aware of. By working with a therapist, couples gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their other half. Couples counseling teaches people to effectively communicate what’s really bothering them in a respectful manner.
At the Relationship Therapy Center, we teach couples how to communicate well and move beyond the blocks that commonly hinder relationships. These invaluable skills can be used in other areas of life as well.
If you’re struggling, please reach out. We’re a mere phone call (or text!) away.
Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
- Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
- Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
- Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.