If you’re in a relationship, there are four seemingly inconsequential things that—if you’re not careful—have the ability to take what you’ve worked so hard for, and smash it to pieces. The Four Horsemen as they’re often called are the main reason most relationships fail.
The good news? There’s an antidote for each. Four tools you have at your disposal that are powerful enough keep you from driving to the courthouse and filing for divorce.
Keep reading to learn what they are so you can keep your relationship safe.
What are the Four Horsemen?
The Four Horsemen are something Dr. John Gottman discovered after decades and decades of relationship research. He noticed that with all the couples he worked with, when it came to conflict many people were at a loss on how to effectively communicate. Most just hurt each other—and the relationships integrity—instead.
Let’s look at each of the four horsemen. First defining what they are, then highlighting the antidote: The better, less destructive way to work through these challenges.
Criticism and Its Antidote
Yuck, right? No one likes being criticized. It can feel like a character assassination, and the immediate response is to be on the defense:
“You’re so messy, how many times do I have to ask you to pick up after yourself?”
“Well, maybe if I wasn’t working all the time and had all the free time you have, I could. Someone has to pay for your new car and this house that YOU wanted…”
Using this example, if the two pulled back, what are they really trying to say?
When you keep having to ask someone to do something and they don’t do it, it can feel as though you’re not heard, or they’re disrespecting you. Or they just don’t value you enough to do something that they know is important to you.
Dr. Gottman recommends a gentle start up in situations like this, such as:
Hey, I’m feeling a little defeated. I don’t want to have to keep reminding you to put away your clothes. To me it feels like you aren’t listening, or don’t respect something that’s important to me.
That’s not it. I’m just really stressed and preoccupied right now, and just need a little extra support these next couple of weeks. I will try to be better about it because I know it’s important to you.
It gets to the real issue and still conveys the point, without any of the criticism or blame.
Contempt and Its Antidote
The word contempt almost conjures up images of a sneer. To treat someone with contempt is to willfully attack their character. Unfortunately, even in anger, the words you say can’t be taken back.
When are you going to mow the lawn? You’re mother’s right: You’re just lazy.
To eliminate contempt, it’s crucial you lead with the antidote. Create a culture in your relationship where you habitually highlight all the things you love about your other half.
I love how hard you work for our family. If you prefer to relax over the weekend, maybe we can hire a landscaping crew to come mow a few times a month.
Defensiveness and Its Antidote
It’s almost impossible to get through to someone who continuously blames other factors for their behavior, and refuses to take responsibility for their actions.
Well, if you hadn’t kept me up all night snoring, maybe I wouldn’t have missed the alarm.
It’s okay to take your partner’s perspective. Acknowledge that, while your intention was not to hurt them, you can see why they feel the way they do, and you’re sorry.
I’m sorry, I realize getting an early start to beat traffic is important to you. I didn’t sleep well, and must have snoozed through the alarm.
…By the way, did you ever hear back from the doctor about doing that sleep study?
Stonewalling and Its Antidote
To stonewall someone is to shut them out emotionally. Some people just get up and walk out, hoping to either avoid conflict, or convey their disapproval through detachment. Trying to punish their spouse with the silent treatment.
For those who feel overwhelmed by conflict, or need a little time to connect with their real feelings over what’s bothering them, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for a few moments to regulate, before jumping back in.
Take a walk or some time to breathe. When you’ve had a moment to connect and regulate, rejoin the conversation.
Of course, real life isn’t always as simple as reading an article and “aha,” you’re fixed. For couples who need a little more assistance, we can help.
The Relationship Therapy Center has two convenient Northern California locations, working with couples from all walks of life. Our team of experts are trained in the Gottman Method, which is shown to be one of the most effective treatment modalities when it comes to marriage and couples counseling.
Lastly, if there’s any advice we could give you right now, it’s this: Don’t wait too long to get help. Don’t let your relationship completely crumble and then try to save it.
Give us a call or text, we’re here for you.
Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
- Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
- Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
- Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.