There is more to listening though, than just being aware of your blocks.

What are the steps to listening well?

1.    Stop what you are doing, face the person, become present and then listen.

This means you have to stop typing on the computer, balancing your checkbook, or staring off into space. It is time to be a detective. You are just trying to understand what is being shared, what is being conveyed and possibly guess the emotions that might be going on for the speaker. Just because you are listening doesn’t mean that you agree. Your role at this time is just to make sure that you understand what is being said, for you to ask clarifying questions to make sure and let the speaker know that they are heard.

2.   It might not be the best time for you at that moment.

Rather than pretend to listen and stay disconnected. Tell your partner, “You know, this really isn’t a good time for me to give you my full attention, can we get back together in about an hour?” Especially for introverts, if you are not able to listen, don’t feel guilty because listening when you aren’t available will cause “flooding” and you will “check out” anyway.

3.   A good way to practice active listening is to ask clarifying questions and paraphrase what you are hearing.

Some sample lead in’s follow.

What I hear you saying is….

Let me understand, what was going on for you was….

In other words….

Do you mean?

When you say_______, do you mean?

Your speaker will let you know if you are on track with them or if you aren’t can clarify what they mean to get to a deeper level with you.

4.   An advanced skill is to try to guess what the speaker might be feeling.

The trick here is not to say affirmatively, “oh, you feel angry” like you know for sure, but to take a curious approach, “Your tone of voice sounds angry when you say that, is that right?” or “Oh, it sounds as if you were hurt then, is that right?”

5.   Once the speaker knows that they are heard, there is a connection and an opportunity for you to respond.

Just because you hear what they say, understand how whatever happened affected your partner, doesn’t mean you see it that exact way (especially if you were involved). It does mean that you are connected and your partner feels heard. It is then, that you can speak what is true for you. For more on the Art of Listening.

Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:

If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:

1. Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
2. Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
3. Find support and healing in your relationship!

Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:

In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.