You may be surprised to know that most communication is non-verbal, and when it is verbal, often, it’s indirect: Most people aren’t great at asking for what they want.
This is why understanding a bid for connection is so, so, important.
A bid for what, exactly? You may be asking, what are you talking about?
Here. Let’s take a look.
What is an Example of a Bid for Connection?
An obvious example of a bid for connection is your partner reaching out to take your hand. The gesture says everything: they’re turning to you to establish connection.
But just as there are different love languages and communication styles, there are many different ways of making a bid for connection. The challenge lies in recognizing this when the “language,” aka the nature of the bid, is different from the types of bids for connections you initiate.
Why is a Bid for Connection So Important in a Relationship?
Dr. John Gottman sees bids as a fundamental component of emotional connection.
As stated in his book The Relationship Cure, Gottman notes, “After many months of watching these tapes with my students, it dawned on me. Maybe it’s not the depth of intimacy in conversations that matters. Maybe it doesn’t even matter whether couples agree or disagree. Maybe the important thing is how these people pay attention to each other, no matter what they’re talking about or doing.”
Bids for connection are the foundation of trust, intimacy, emotional connection, and a satisfying sex life.
Simply put, couples who are attuned to one another and respond to each other’s bids have a stronger, happier, healthier relationship.
Why is Ignoring a Bid for Connection so Damaging to a Relationship?
Even when the bid is nonverbal, even when we may not be consciously aware we’re reaching towards our partner for connection, we internalize the experience of the bid being ignored or rejected.
An ignored bid for connection affects us subconsciously, and the cumulative effect often results in us disconnecting from our partner. Becoming frustrated—which in turn can result in them becoming defensive.
During the course of his in-depth research, Dr. Gottman came to realize that relationships typically fall apart not because of a major disagreement. Rather, it’s the bids for connection that repeatedly get ignored or dismissed—and the distance that grows between the couple as a result—that has the most damaging effect on a relationship.
How Frequently Should Bids for Connection be Made?
Now that you understand the power of bids and the incredible effect acknowledging them can have on your relationship, the skies the limit. The more you and your spouse make and respond to each other’s bids, the better!
Bids for connection can be flirty and fun, a little wink, an inside joke, a playful touch. They can be tender: a hug from behind, a thoughtful note or text.
Acknowledging bids means tuning in to your other half. Listening as they share a challenging experience they had. Ask questions, and be genuinely interested in what they’re trying to convey. That doesn’t mean you need to drop everything right away, but saying something like, “ I would love to hear more but I am distracted with a work project, can we talk tonight so you have my full attention?”
If your relationship has been rocky, it may be hard to reach a place of trust and receptiveness that’s required for bids to occur. If so, it’s crucial you sign up for relationship counseling.
At the Relationship Therapy Center, we primarily use the Gottman method with the couples we see because it works. It’s practical, actionable, and based on decades of intense research and relationship observation.
We offer couples therapy in Roseville and Fair Oaks, two convenient Northern California locations. Want to learn more? Just call or text us anytime.
Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
- Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
- Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
- Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.