It’s been a rough week. You’re unsure about the future of your new position—there are rumblings of budget cuts—and some are worried about being let go.
I’ll get a pizza and a bottle of wine on the way home, you think, it’ll be a nice cozy evening with my boyfriend where I can share some of my worries about the craziness that’s been going on.
As if on cue, your phone buzzes.
Hey, the text reads, I’m going to go out with the guys after work… should be home around 9pm or so.
You feel heat flush over you.
Do you ask for what you want—share how you feel—or do you just let it go?
Why is it So Hard to Ask for What You Want?
Many of us have been conditioned into being agreeable people pleasers.
Where do you want to go for dinner?
I don’t know, what sounds good to you?
The prevailing message seems to be that being liked or “good” involves putting ourselves last.
Thus, like an unused muscle, the ability to ask for what we want atrophies. Often leaving us feeling as though we’re giving everything and not getting anything in return.
Other factors that make it a challenge to ask for what you want are fear of rejection, embarrassment, or not wanting to appear too needy.
Sometimes—especially after dismissing needs for so long—there’s even a lack of clarity around people fully understanding what they need. Some are unable to articulate their needs clearly, because after years of dismissing themselves, they’ve severed the connection to what their needs actually are.
How Do You Learn to Ask for What You Want?
Here’s the secret to asking for what you want. Ready? You ask for what you want. Clearly, honestly, and confidently.
It’s so simple, yet so hard to do.
The challenge may lie in your relationship. You’ve spent years tip-toeing or ignoring what you want, so the prospect of changing up the dynamic and being more assertive scares you. You’re not sure how to do it without totally disrupting the equilibrium of your current union.
Or maybe, there are certain cases where you’re uncomfortable asking for what you want, because it will involve honestly vocalizing your feelings. And the truth is, you’re ashamed of your feelings. For example, maybe you’re jealous of a friendship your partner has with someone of the opposite sex. Rather than discuss that, you pick petty arguments about other things instead.
Asking for what you want involves being in touch with your feelings, which is something many people have a hard time maintaining a connection with.
Asking for what you want involves knowing what you want, and sharing it openly and honestly. In order for this to occur, it’s imperative that you’re in a relationship that prioritizes kind, honest communication.
You also need to be able to manage accepting no if that is the answer, learn to compromise when you have conflicting wants and needs, and learn how to use the right timing.
If the prospect of honestly asking for what you want still feels like a challenge, you’re definitely not alone, and this is a skill a couple’s counselor can help you learn.
At the Relationship Therapy Center, we love empowering couples: Nothing makes us happier than teaching people the necessary skills that lead to lasting loving relationships.
If this is something you think you’d benefit from, we’d love to hear from you!
Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
- Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
- Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
- Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.