Many of us are aware of the foundation of a happy marriage, and will pinpoint the fundamentals required. There’s trust, communication, love and respect…but… what is the foundation of those things? Like, how do you get good at them?
Here’s the secret: you’ve got to do the work.
Let’s take a look at some of the inner ways of being that can agitate a relationship if they’re not healed first.
Emotional Regulation
Emotions relay important information which you can use to explain how you feel. They’re so powerful that it can be really tempting to cave in and let the emotion take control, often to the detriment of relationships.
Learning how to regulate your emotions helps keep you clear and present during challenging conversations. It gives you the ability to express yourself in a way that can be received, rather than elicit a defensive response.
Learning to regulate your emotions is key to lessening anxiety and keeping you from spiraling.
Unfortunately, most of us aren’t taught how. Relationships are common places where a lack of control and understanding of emotions show up, and for many, it’s easy to give in to the all-consuming allure of anger.
There can be many reasons why people struggle to regulate their emotions.
If you feel like this is an area where you struggle—or you’re totally out of control—it’s a good idea to try mindfulness, start yoga, or see a therapist. They’ll be able to work with you and give you the tools to better understand and manage your feelings.
Self-Awareness
Being self-aware is incredibly important in any relationship—but it can also be really, really challenging. According to a study, 95% of participants stated that they believed they were self-aware, yet in reality only 10-15% of people actually are.
As children, many of us were told certain things about ourselves we end up believing, or we interpret events in a certain way that shapes how we feel about ourselves now.
Self-awareness means taking a look at some of our formative beliefs; holding them up to the light to determine if they’re even true.
Self-awareness is built on the ability to be vulnerable, authentic, and not run or try to hide painful or difficult feelings, such as shame.
Therapy is an excellent way to explore some of these deeper parts, especially if there is unresolved trauma. It’s one of the only ways to understand your triggers and make sense of your current tendencies. Therapy gives you tools and strategies so you can ditch dysfunctional behaviors and learn healthier ones.
The journey to self-awareness is a lifelong path, and it’s worth every step.
Clarify Your Values and Needs
If you don’t know what you need from a partner, you’ll never be able to ask for it—and there’s a high probability your partner wo 
n’t intuitively know how to support you in the right way.
Taking the time to examine what you value in a partner and what your relationship needs are gives you a chance to convey them to your other half. There’s nothing better than having a partner who understands what you need in order to feel emotionally supported and loved.
Couples counseling is an excellent resource here. Your therapist will help guide each of you through understanding what you and your other half needs in order to feel loved and supported, as well as navigating other issues that may be present.
Honest Communication
Communication is everything, and it begins with you—how you communicate with yourself. The first step is to be honest with yourself. You don’t want to dismiss yourself, or hide the parts you’re ashamed of.
Good honest communication involves understanding how certain things make you feel, and why. Then discussing that openly and honestly.
Healthy effective communication is a skill taught in therapy. It’s a powerful tool that once acquired can make the rest of your life a whole lot easier.
If you’re experiencing challenges in any of these areas and are not sure how to proceed, consider therapy. It’s one of the best ways to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, heal, and lighten the baggage you’re carrying.
At the Relationship Therapy Center, we understand that a great relationship starts with you, and your relationship to self.
We offer individual counseling and couples counseling in Roseville and Fair Oaks. If it sounds like something you’d benefit from, give us a call. We’d love to hear from you and share more about how we can help.
Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
- Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
- Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
- Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.