Attachment injuries are emotional wounds that become activated when you fall in love.
When you’re involved in a push-pull dynamic or you feel as though your partner is withdrawing, you may think life without them is terrifying. Similarly, if you feel an overwhelming urge to be alone and are terrified of letting your guard down and getting close to someone, you may be insecurely attached.
Often, people misinterpret the intense feelings that accompany attachment injuries. Namely believing the emotional rollercoaster is a sign of true love.
The ups and downs of attachment injuries can even become addictive. In reality, the belief that the person you’re involved with in this tumultuous union is your soul mate, keeps you stuck. You are unaware that what’s really going on. In fact, you’re being jerked around by an attachment injury. As a result you are missing out on experiencing real love.
So, what are attachment injuries, and how do they affect you? Let’s dive in.
What Are Attachment Injuries?
At this point, most people understand that our formative years are critical to our development. These years shape who we are. At least they shape who we believe ourselves to be and inform our understanding of the world.
If you grew up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment you may be a prime candidate for an attachment injury. For example, if you had inconsistent primary caregivers they may also have been emotionally unavailable. At the same time, they might have been excessively critical. Perhaps dismissive, even cruel and abusive which left you injured.
Children take in a lot of information. Yet they lack the maturity or “worldliness” required to understand and process much of what they experience.
Similarily, if you were reared in an abusive or neglectful household you only know that environment. Without a big picture perspective, you often misinterpret the abuse as normal or somehow your fault. More often than not you can develop destructive coping skills rooted in survival. These patterns get activated during relationships later in life.
Here is what some of those are, and how they manifest in insecure attachment styles.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
You may be a dismissive avoidant if you believe the world is not safe and people cannot be trusted. Therefore you believe it’s imperative to never let your guard down.
In short, with this type of attachment, you are often disconnected from your emotions, and tend to withdraw. You often find your partner’s needs and emotions overwhelming.
People with a dismissive avoidant attachment usually had caregivers that were emotionally unavailable. You may have been rejected or had your emotional needs dismissed.
Learning that expressing your needs led to some form of punishment or pain you developed coping skills. These skill centered around self-reliance and suppressing your emotions.
Anxious Attachment
If you have an overwhelming desire for closeness and you fear abandonment, you may be anxiously attached
Anxious attachment can result in becoming obsessive over your partner’s behavior. You are always hypervigilant for anything that spells even the smallest threat to the union. If you are anxiously attached, you may constantly need reassurance. And you are highly sensitive to your partner’s moods.
During conflict, you want to connect with your partner so badly that you often bulldoze boundaries and leave your partner overwhelmed.
Disorganized Attachment
This style of attachment arises in people with incredibly adverse chaotic and abusive childhood experiences.
You may suffer from this attachment style if you find yourself oscillating between both anxious and avoidant behavior.
If you have this attachment style you often have trouble regulating your emotions. In fact, this may result in extreme turbulence and volatility in your relationships.
What is Secure Attachment?
The good news is, no attachment style is fixed. For those with attachment injuries, therapy is an excellent way of eradicating the unhealthy attachment styles. And allows you to discover new ways to attach that are healthy.
Cultivating the secure attachment style is the goal. Once the wounds of the past are healed, it’s much easier to not become triggered and revert to old dysfunctional behavior.
If you are securely attached you get your needs met in a healthy way. You are able to form a loving meaningful relationship built on communication and trust.
Without all the drama that often accompanies insecure attachment styles, people in securely attached relationships are able to enjoy life together. When problems do arise, they’re able to resolve them without becoming overly triggered and activated.
Nobody has the perfect childhood, and some are given confusing messages about what love is or what constitutes a healthy relationship.
Therapy is the best way to heal old injuries, including insecure attachment styles. Therefore break the addictive cycle that keeps you from connecting in a healthy meaningful way.
We firmly believe the foundation to any relationship begins with your relationship to yourself. Resolving the wounds of the past is an excellent way to get you started on the path of happily ever after, and we can help. The Relationship Therapy Center has two northern California locations—we offer individual and couples therapy in Roseville and Fair Oaks. Call or text any time to learn more.
Feel free to call or text anytime. We’d love to hear from you and share more about how we can help.
Nancy Ryan, LMFT and Certified Gottman Therapist has over 13 years of experience helping people with their relationships. As CEO of RTC, she mentors the clinicians at the center to be highly skilled therapists. Therapist who can help you with your attachment injuries in the Sacramento area in Roseville, CA and Fair Oaks, CA. We also serve clients online in California and Washington.
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If you are ready to start individual therapy, we have a variety of exceptional therapists ready to help you. Take a look at their bios and if you would like to schedule a free 15-minute consultation give us a call.
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to Individual therapy for adults our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones heal and grow.