What if my partner won’t change?

Does your partner make promises that they don’t keep? Maybe he promises to stop spending money, but then the credit card bills keep coming in every month — higher than ever before. She swears that she won’t drink again. However, you come home from work, and she is drunk yet again. He cheated again and promised to get help. But, when you bring up marriage counseling, he balks. Do these scenarios sound familiar? If so, then you are probably wondering what it means for your relationship when your partner won’t change. Many people believe that issues will go away with time or that their partner will change if they ask enough. Unfortunately, this is hardly ever true. When a partner says one thing yet does another, it erodes trust and intimacy in a relationship. So, what can you do when your partner acknowledges a problem and promises to work on it — yet never follows through? Here are some tips from the therapists at Relationship Therapy Center.

Evaluate What You Want

If your partner won’t change, the first step is to accept that you cannot force them to change. The only person that you can change is yourself. You must decide how you will handle their behaviors. Ask yourself these questions to help guide your decision:

• How long can I stay in this relationship if things don’t improve?

• Can I live with these behaviors or are they deal breakers?

• What will happen if you stay? How do you think the problem will affect you emotionally?

Talk With Your Partner

It is important to understand that your partner may be as unhappy and frustrated with things as you are. They may want to change but need the extra support — especially if they are dealing with a tough issue like an addiction.

Have an open and honest conversation about your concerns and what you want in the relationship. Tell your partner exactly what you need. Try to find out how you can help your partner meet your needs. Come up with solutions, such as going to marriage counseling together or seeking treatment for a gambling addiction. Maybe you could reach out for marriage counseling or call a substance abuse professional to ask how you can help support your partner.

Establish Firm Boundaries

After you have talked with your partner about your concerns, you must set clear boundaries. You must make clear to both you and your partner what things you cannot live with. Accepting destructive behaviors is not healthy for you or your partner. You have decided what things you can and cannot tolerate.

You have made your needs clear to your partner. If you are not getting what you need in the relationship, then it is time for you to walk away. If your partner says that they will change but then does the same thing again, they are not willing to change.

Final Thoughts

It can be helpful to go to couples counseling in Sacramento, even if your partner will not attend. Here are some more signs that it is time to get help. Roseville marriage counseling can help you clarify your plans for the future and work on setting and maintaining clear boundaries. We can also help you improve your relationship even if you come in by yourself. Read more here.

Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:

If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:

1. Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
2. Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
3. Find support and healing in your relationship!

Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:

In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.