Is this it? You wonder.
Am I destined to live out the remainder of my days with this person who seems perfectly happy on the couch, the TV blaring at full volume?
Do you feel like you’re merely existing with your partner, slowly detaching as things begin to fizzle out? If so, it’s hard not to wonder what else is out there?
Perhaps these thoughts and feelings of what else? have been dancing in the periphery of your mind for a while. Initially when they came on, your stomach clenched, and you chased them off in a hurry. They’ve persisted.
You’ve recently found yourself pondering what life would be like without your significant other’s family. You love their mother, but feel your relationship with her may not withstand a breakup.
You think about your coworker. You have a sneaking suspicion they like you, and you can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be with them. They’re present, attentive, they love to hike…
Your stomach flutters, then clenches.
What’s going on?
The Dilemma
Your relationship feels deflated. The air’s all gone, and you’re left with something flat. It’s boring, predictable, and you don’t know how to fix it, or even if it’s worth fixing.
Your lives are intertwined, and thoughts of unwinding it all, hurting them, and figuring it out are scary. But equally terrifying is the thought of staying, and having this be all there is, continuing for the rest of your life.
It’s challenging when for the most part, your partner treats you fairly and respectfully. But when you’re feeling unfulfilled and listless, or moving in opposite directions, what are you supposed to do?
Bear in mind, this is complicated. However, here are some things that may help:
Reflect on Your Needs
It’s imperative that you take the time to consider your needs.
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What do you require from a partner?
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How have you grown since you initially got together?
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What do you still have in common?
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How well does your partner meet your needs?
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How well have you communicated your needs?
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What’s missing from your relationship currently?
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What qualities do you long for?
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Where does your mind go when you find yourself daydreaming?
Be honest with yourself. By minimizing or disconnecting from your needs, you’re depriving yourself of a chance to live a fulfilling, enriching life.
Listen to Yourself
This can be tricky, especially if you’re all over the place.
Is your current partner someone you see yourself with long-term? Walking away from a relationship is easier before marriage and kids, and if it feels like you’re two totally different people with completely different outlooks on life and your inner voice is telling you to leave, honor that. But if you also wish for closeness again, and don’t want to leave but don’t want things to remain the same, honor that.
Communicate
Chances are, your partner may have no idea what’s going on inside your head, especially if you’re no longer really communicating.
Sometimes it can feel very awkward to get vulnerable, especially if the conversations of late have been superficial and inconsequential.
If it feels like too much, focus on one thing at a time.
Get Support
Finding guidance from a therapist, both individually or as a couple, is one of the best ways to move through this process.
A therapist is an excellent resource, helping you look at all the different aspects of the relationship, get a firmer understanding of your needs, and ultimately, strengthen your relationship with yourself so you can approach the decision (and future decisions) from a more whole and fully-integrated perspective.
For couples, therapy is an excellent means of opening communication as well.
At the Relationship Therapy Center, we work with both individuals and couples, and believe the most important relationship is the relationship we have to ourselves. When that relationship is healthy and secure, it brings more clarity and light to the hard decisions we sometimes face in life. Interested in learning more? Please give us a call. We’re always happy to answer questions and share more of how we can help.
Begin Couples or Individual Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
The therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! To begin counseling in Roseville, CA area, or counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
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Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples or individual counseling and to schedule a free consultation,
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Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists
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Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Couples Counseling, Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, codependency counseling and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones.