Today started off like any other day.
You woke up, brushed your teeth, walked back into the bedroom, and found your partner sitting on the unmade bed, staring at their hands. Looking absolutely miserable and deflated.
“What’s wrong?”
“I have to tell you something, I’m so sorry…”
Today started off like any other day.
You hear your partner brushing their teeth, and immediately you’re flooded with guilt. The overwhelming guilt. I can’t keep this to myself anymore, I have to say something. I have to come clean. You’re sitting on the unmade bed, still lost in thought when they enter the room.
“What’s wrong?”
“I have to tell you something, I’m so sorry…”
If you’ve been cheated on, your emotions zip all over the place. You’re heartbroken. You’re angry. You didn’t want this, you never asked for this! Being betrayed by someone you love is one of the hardest, worst experiences one can go through.
If you’re the person who cheated, you’re ashamed. You may not understand why you cheated; it’s completely out of character. You hate yourself for hurting and betraying your partner.
No matter who you are in this scenario, you’re probably wondering, what happens next?
Where do we even begin?
Roughly 70% of couples that attend marriage counseling or couples counseling after infidelity stay together, according to a still referenced 2000 study by psychologist Shirley Glass.
Having a clinician present throughout the process ensures you’ll have the best chance of rebuilding your relationship, and prevents unhealthy dynamics relating to any unresolved issues present after the affair.
One of the best ways of working through this process – and ultimately restoring trust – is through the Gottman’s Trust Revival Method. This is a tested approach with a fairly high success rate amongst couples. Seeking guidance from a Gottman Method therapist is recommended for best results.
The Gottman Trust Revival method consists of three phases:
- Atone
- Attune
- Attach
Atonement
In the atonement phase, the person who cheated takes full responsibility for their actions, and works to make amends. The success of this phase is dependent on transparency. They must answer their partners questions, and provide passwords to emails and smartphones if this is something asked of them.
The person who was cheated on has a responsibility during this period as well. They are expected to forgive after processing the anger and hurt that is obviously there. This can be an extremely painful and difficult process, and one that doesn’t happen overnight.
Attunement
Once forgiveness has been established, the couple can move on to the Attunement phase. This phase focuses on rebuilding the relationship. Both are encouraged to open up, be vulnerable, reconnect, and to share what’s going on. Share how they’re feeling in the relationship and with life in general.
Attachment
The final phase, the attachment phase, seeks to reestablish intimacy. This can be especially difficult and sometimes triggering for the person who was cheated on. They may have flashes of their partner being unfaithful. By working through this, and learning how to reignite intimacy and communication, both can learn how to once again appreciate, respect, and trust one another.
The length of the process depends on the couples and the situation.
If your relationship has been struck by infidelity, our clinicians are here to help. At the Relationship Therapy Center, we are happy to provide you with a free 15-minute consultation. We know it is possible to save your relationship and restore trust. We have seen it before. In fact, we’ve helped others make it happen. It’s time to stop hurting. Call us today, and start healing.
Begin Infidelity Counseling in Roseville, CA:
If you are ready to learn how to rebuild trust after an affair, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin couples counseling in the Sacramento, CA area, please follow these three simple steps:
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Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation
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Make an appointment with one of our Gottman trained therapists
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Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to infidelity counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Couples Counseling, Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, codependency counseling and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones.