Chances are, you remember what passion feels like. It’s thrilling; all consuming! Your fantasies know no bounds, and when the two of you get together, clothes off – it’s on! 

Fast forward…now it’s mechanical. Predictable. Scheduled and wooden. You find yourself almost dreading it, and that’s if it’s happening at all.

Passion isn’t just limited to the bedroom, either. 

The way passion is portrayed in movies and books is as something that simply happens without any effort. The underlying message seems to be: when you’re with your “soul mate,” you don’t have to try. Passion, lust, connectivity and ease, it all occurs naturally. One minute you’re enjoying the sunset from the bow of a ship, and next thing you know, your lover wrapped his arms around your waist. You stretch out your arms, “I’m flying!” 

Wait no, that’s the movies. You’re in the kitchen, washing dishes. Your husband is making a ruckus in the garage.

For many, as the passion fizzles out, they’re left unsure what to do about it. They freeze. Do nothing. But here’s the truth: we’re not really taught how to navigate this, are we? 

It is totally normal for passion to dwindle in a marriage or long-term partnership, but it doesn’t mean it’s gone forever.

If passion is missing from the bedroom and other areas of your romantic life, here are some ways to get it back.


Differentiation is the act of seeing yourself as an individual within your relationship; seeing you and your partner as two separate people. 


For many, the message around marriage is, ‘two become one.’ 

In his book, Passionate Marriage, Dr. David Schnarch highlights the need for each partner to define themselves while also getting closer to one another.

By tuning in to yourself and understanding your needs, you get to know yourself better, and are able to share that with your partner. 

Seeing your partner as separate from you means you no longer assume they know how you’re feeling. Thus, communicating regularly and deeply becomes normal.

Real Intimacy: The Gateway to Passion

As sexual intimacy starts to become routine, many couples disengage from their connection. It’s each person for themselves; achieving orgasm ASAP the main objective. 

Dr. Schnarch recommends slowing it down. Forget the orgasm for the moment and focus deeply on one another, on touch. How it feels to be touched. 

For some it helps to use massage oil. Use it to explore different parts of the body.

At the very least, try the six-second kiss. This is one of the techniques recommended by Dr. John Gottman. Six seconds is all it takes for stress to begin to melt, and for a connection to begin to form between you and your partner.

Check in with Your Partner – and Yourself

It is so easy to get swept up in our routine, sometimes physically going through the motions while our minds are miles away. 

Losing connection with ourselves makes it harder to maintain our connection to our partner, and with that goes the deep intimacy that stokes the flame of passion. 

If you don’t feel connected to your partner, sex can begin to feel awkward. 

Start by reestablishing your connection. Go out for a meal at your favorite restaurant. 

Try something new. 

Play a game, have fun, and flirt with one another. 

It’s so easy to simply check out when life gets busy and hectic (and truthfully, when is life not busy and hectic?!). 

It’s vital that both you and your partner understand that a relationship – which exists between two living beings – needs to be tended to. Just like every other living thing, it must be cared for and nurtured. Otherwise, after years of neglect one piece after another after another will wither and die, until there’s nothing left.

If you would like further guidance on reigniting passion in your relationship, or if other areas of your marriage need guidance, we can help. Our licensed relationship experts are trained in the Gottman method, a research backed approach that works. They’ve helped many couples navigate tricky issues, learn new skills, and achieve unimaginable levels of connectivity. If you think you could benefit, don’t put it off any longer. 

Begin Sex Therapy in the Sacramento Area:

If you are ready to regain intimacy in your relationship, sex therapy with a couples counselor at The Relationship Therapy Center can help. Our compassionate therapists want to help you and your partner feel comfortable being passionate with each other again. We are here to help support you in your relationship journey. To begin sex therapy at our counseling clinic in the Sacramento, CA area or online, please follow these steps:

Other Services offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:

In addition to sex therapy, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Couples Counseling, Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, codependency counseling and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones.