If only every couple knew this. It’s the strategy employed by married people who, 25 years later, still can’t get enough of each other.
It’s knowing how to express how you feel without hurting your partner’s feelings or immediately putting them on the defense.
Here’s how it’s done.
The “Old” Way of Doing Things
Ok. Before getting into the tips, it’s worth noting this first: Most people despise conflict. They’d rather put themself last if it means avoiding it.
For some, this may have caused a fissure in their ability to even connect with their needs, and accurately identify their feelings.
Now let’s add another element to that: vulnerability, yuck! Nobody wants to seem needy—most people would hate to be labeled as such. We’re all strong independent grownups, thank you very much.
And yet… we do need each other. We have wants and desires. We thrive in social situations, and life is made so much brighter and fuller when we’re able to express ourselves, be heard, and loved and respected for who we are.
When you dismiss your needs or don’t allow yourself to express inner discomfort—all the things that have the potential to make you feel angry or otherwise disrespected—resentment builds. Anger smolders.
And the result? Well, the result is probably what leads to a ton of couples breaking up.
The good news is, it’s possible to share how you feel without it escalating to raised voices and slammed doors.
The Secret to a Lasting Happy Relationship
One of the elements that all couples in lasting happy relationships share is the ability to constructively communicate their grievances and feelings.
It’s an easily learned skill that, when you distill it down to its essence, looks something like this:
Step 1: Express how you feel using “I” statements. “I’m frustrated that the lawn wasn’t mowed,” or “I’m worried that the car still hasn’t been taken to the shop.”
By using “I” statements and discussing your worries, frustrations, fear—whatever it may be, you’re simply sharing a feeling. You’re not pointing fingers; you’re not assigning blame. It’s as simple as x (the situation) = y (how you feel).
Step 2: Stick to the facts. Keep it only about you. Things tend to go awry when there’s blame and finger pointing. Refrain from describing your partner—what an idiot they were in the situation and all the ways they’ve failed you.
Keep on topic and only discuss how the situation makes you feel.
If it brings up old insecurities or triggers a bad memory of a similar situation that occurred in the past, it’s okay to share that, too. This kind of vulnerability invites compassion and empathy. It’s an element all those deep loving relationships contain: being brave enough to be seen by sharing more of your inner authentic self.
Step 3: Communicate what you need. “I need you to mow the lawn Saturday morning.” Or, “It would be really helpful if you could take the car in next week.”
The beauty of communicating this way is it’s clear and factual. There’s no messiness, no resentment, nothing is below the belt. It’s clear and to the point, and typically gets resolved.
Of course, there may be a discussion with your partner. They may open up and share how busy and stressed they’ve been, and that they don’t have time to get the car this week, but the following week should be less busy, so they’ll book an appointment then.
If you stick to the facts, keep it about you and how you feel and refrain from digs and finger pointing, you’ve mastered the technique.
It’s worth reiterating that being vocal about needs is really challenging in our society. This is something most of us were not taught—in fact, many people were taught the opposite. Suck it up, and please others instead. Shield any vulnerability and needs behind a self-reliant front.
If you struggle with this, or any other aspect of communication, behavior, feelings, whatever, and it’s casting a shadow over your relationship, we can help. We offer individual and couples counseling in Fair Oaks and Roseville, and we’re always just a phone call away.
Begin Couples Counseling in the Sacramento Area:
If you are ready to learn how to deal with the problems in your relationship, the therapists at The Relationship Therapy Center in Fair Oaks, CA and Roseville, CA can help! Our therapists are ready to support you and your partner in your journey towards creating a healthy and happy relationship. To begin marriage counseling in Roseville, CA area, or marriage counseling in Fair Oaks, please follow these three simple steps:
- Contact our counseling office to get more information about couples counseling and to schedule a free consultation.
- Make an appointment with one of our Gottman Method trained therapists.
- Find support and healing in your relationship!
Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to couples counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples counseling services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, couples therapy retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include, anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, teen therapy, therapy for children, codependency counseling, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. We also offer online counseling to California residents. Please contact our office to learn more about the many ways we can help you and your loved ones.