Are you in a Verbally Abusive Relationship?

A scientist conducted an experiment.  She put frog number one into a pan of very hot water.  The frog jumped right out.  Next, she placed frog number two in a pan of cool water.  Of course, this frog didn’t jump out.  Very gradually, the scientist raised the water’s temperature.  Then, this frog gradually adapted until it boiled to death.  – Anonymous

Being in a relationship where there is verbal abuse conditions the spouse. In the same way, being abused is just like the second frog in the above example.  Many times, partners of verbal abuse only recognize the abuse once they are away for a while.

How do you feel when you are verbally abused?

Verbal abuse may be overt – name-calling, angry outbursts, or attacks of character, like “You’re just too sensitive”.  But it can also be covert or hidden.  Statements like, “What do you mean? I didn’t mean that,” when the abuser did mean that, can make a person confused.  The book by George Bach and Ronald Deutsch, “Stop! You’re Driving Me Crazy”, states that often the spouse of verbal abuse feels or experiences some of the following;

•   Feeling temporarily thrown off balance or caught off guard

•   Receiving double messages. So that they are somehow unable or fearful to ask for clarification.

•   Generally feeling “bugged” by the simple presence of a person.

•   Where one assumed goodwill, ill will seems to prevail

•   One feels pushed around. As well as not being in control of one’s own direction.

•   An uneasy, weird feeling of emptiness

•   Sensing that something is wrong

If a partner is able to validate their own feelings, they will sometimes recognize that they feel diminished. As well as hurt, unrecognized, discounted, made fun of, ignored, and others.

The book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans, describes the general characteristics of verbal abuse and categorizes verbal abuse.  I highly recommend this book if you relate to what follows.

What are the characteristics of verbal abuse?

• feels hurtful- especially when it is denied
• attacks the nature and abilities of the partner
• can be covert or overt
• voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way
• is manipulative and controlling
• insidious – disregards, disrespects and devalues the partner
• unpredictable
• the real issue in the relationship
• expresses a double message- incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and real feelings
• usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety.

I know in many relationships, people think of abuse only in terms of physical abuse.

“He isn’t hitting me so how could I be abused?”  Love relationships are the arena where we want love, support, acceptance, nurturing, intimacy – both emotional and physical, validation and someone to “have our back”.  This is a place in healthy relationships where “two are better than one”.  In abusive relationships there is stress, tension, a feeling on being unsafe. Similarily, a feeling of being out of balance, squashed, stymied, dragged down and can lead to low self-esteem and depression.

What are the signs of abuse?

Withholding

A choice to keep one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to themselves. Then to remain silent and aloof toward one’s partner.

Countering

Arguing against partners’ thoughts, perceptions, and experience. Which denies the victim’s reality and prevents the abuser from knowing or accepting their partner’s views

Discounting

Denying the experience of the partner of the abuse.  “Oh, you don’t know what you are talking about,” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

Verbal Abuse Disguised as a Joke

“ Man, you couldn’t find your head if it wasn’t attached.”

Blocking and Diverting

The topic is changed, and none of the abuser’s diversion answers the partner’s questions in a thoughtful and considerate way.

Accusing and Blaming

A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing and blame the partner for his anger. To clarify, “ Stop just trying to pick a fight” or “Oh boy, you’re looking for trouble.”

Judging and Criticizing

“Can’t you take a joke?”  “You idiot.”  “ I wouldn’t have done it that way.”

Trivializing

Stating that what you have done or said is insignificant.

Undermining

Tactics like this not only withhold emotional support, but also erode confidence. “Why bother!”  “Who asked you?”

Threatening

Manipulates the partner by bringing up her greatest fears.

Forgetting

Declaration by the abuser that what happened wasn’t abusive

Ordering

“ Get rid of this.”  “What do you think you are doing? You’re not going out now.”

Denial

“I never said that.” “You’re getting upset about nothing!”

If you recognize any of these going on, I recommend that you pick up a book or go see a counselor because, left on your own, it will likely get worse.

Begin Therapy in the Sacramento Area or Online:

Are you ready to find peace and healing after tabuse? We are here to support you and provide high-quality, evidence-based treatment to people in the Sacramento Area and to people living in the state of California online. To begin trauma therapy in Fair Oaks, CA or Roseville, CA, please follow these steps:

1. Reach out to our relationship therapy clinic for a free 15-minute phone consultation to learn more about trauma therapy.
2. Meet with one of our compassionate therapists.
3. Begin treatment and regain control in your life.

Other Services Offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:

In addition to individual therapy, our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA, are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Individual therapy services include therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones heal and grow.