We get it. Coordinating a family, navigating school holidays and homeschooling, working, juggling a social life, and paying the bills take a lot of time. But the thing is — when you don’t invest time and energy into your marriage, it’s easy for one spouse to feel as though they’re bearing the weight of the world alone.
Perhaps, they’re bringing home a paycheck, managing the day-to-day practicalities of a busy family, or having no time to practice a little self-care. But, here’s the thing making some small adjustments and creating space for each other helps your spouse feel supported, cared for, and valued. And of course — you’ll both see the benefits of that in more ways than one!
Here are our 15 ways to bring a little spice back into your marriage — both in and out of the bedroom.
1. Discover each other’s Love Language.
Whether it be words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, giving and receiving gifts, or quality time — brainstorm ten different ways you could express your love for your partner in their own Love Language.
2: Ask them what they’d love more (and less) of in the bedroom.
It’s crucial to keep channels of communication open in bed — and it’s the best way we know to figure out how your partner prefers to experience pleasure.
3. Commit to one child-free night per week.
Plan it in advance for the week or month ahead so you have plenty of time to find a sitter.
4. Give specific, genuine compliments.
While “Nice dress” and “I like that shirt” are great — ”Your hair looks beautiful when it’s swept to the side like that” or “Those extra hours at the gym are really paying off — your shoulders look fantastic” are even better.
5. Grab them for a daily six-second kiss.
A term coined by Dr. John Gottman, the six-second kiss (or, a kiss long enough to feel romantic) is an easy way to connect with your partner on a daily basis.
6. Leave the phone at home, or switch it off.
When you’re spending time together, make it intentional. Stay in the present moment — your phone is a distraction and can make your partner think that you’d rather be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.
7. Say “good morning” and “good night”.
It might seem simple, but often we forget one or both of these — and they’re both equally as crucial in making our partner feel safe, seen, and valued.
8. Try something new together.
Whether it’s swing-dancing, making new friends, or watching sexy videos online, experiencing new things with your spouse can help to bring you closer together.
9. Ask your partner how you can best support them.
It’s easy to get carried away thinking that you know the best way to support your own spouse. After all, you know them better than probably anyone else. But when was the last time you actually asked them?
10. Commit to one sexy encounter per day — for a whole month.
This could be anything from a long and luxurious kiss in the shower to a saucy night booked in a nice hotel. Discuss boundaries, budgets, and babysitters (if required) and get to work reliving your honeymoon. They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit — at least this is a fun one!
11. Keep your bedroom clean and tidy.
Nothing kills the mood faster than piles of washing (dirty or clean), stacks of old magazines, and empty coffee cups strewn around the room.
12. Check-in regularly with your partner about the quality of your marriage.
Go somewhere neutral, such as a restaurant or a local park. Open the table for a frank, honest discussion about how each of you is feeling. What do you both need? What do you appreciate about your partner? Which areas of your marriage might need some attention?
13. Work with a licensed professional.
Marriage counseling and couples therapy is a wonderfully beneficial tool to help repair relationships, as well as maintain strong ones. Your couples therapist can give you practical, relevant tools and advice to take your marriage and intimacy to new heights.
14. Set mutually beneficial and achievable goals together.
Don’t lose sight of the big picture! Layout a 12-month, three-year, and five-year plan. Figure out what each of you would like to achieve individually, and work out a way to support each other for mutual benefit.
15. Don’t wait until you’re “in the mood” to engage in sex.
The fact is, spontaneous sexual desire decreases over time — so if you’re sitting around waiting for an unexpected spark of passion, you might be waiting for a long time. The good news is, the more often you do engage in sex with your partner, the higher the chance of your sex drive increasing — so don’t wait to feel inspired! Set aside time for intimacy and make it happen.
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In addition to couples therapy, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Couples Counseling, Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, codependency counseling and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones.