It does nobody any favors to enter into a marriage blindly, whether it is your first, your second, or your fifth. Although the following questions might feel too vulnerable or difficult at first, asking and answering them with your partner before the wedding will allow your marriage to begin on a strong foundation and save you both time and energy in the long run.
These questions will allow you to discuss core relationship issues, build a foundation of communication and trust, and honestly get to know yourself, your partner, and your relationship dynamic even better. Whether you choose to have these conversations with just the two of you or with a premarital counselor is up to you. However, if there is any tension, conflict, or failure in communication before your big day, we highly recommend you seek the help of a couples therapist.
Let’s dive in. Here are the ten questions to ask before a second marriage.
1. What do you love most about your partner?
Begin by asking yourselves what you love and admire the most about your partner. Thinking about all the great things will start you off on the right foot from the very beginning and encourage you to stay connected during challenging times.
2. How will you handle finances in your marriage?
Will you share finances or keep them separate? What are your financial priorities? Will you be savers or spenders? Are you comfortable incurring debt? Finally, how much are either of you willing to compromise? Money issues are some of the most common in marriages, but talking about finances before the wedding will allow you to develop a plan and get ahead of any issues before they even begin.
3. Do you want children?
Raising children together can be one of the most rewarding and most difficult aspects of marriage. Therefore, it’s important to get on the same page from the very beginning. If children are already involved, what is your strategy for co-parenting and blending families? Will one person be the provider and the other the caretaker? Discussing all the details of child raising is one of the most essential things to do with a potential life partner before your wedding day.
4. How will you share household responsibilities once married?
We all grow up in different households and therefore have different expectations of who does what in the home. Talking about chores and other household responsibilities before the wedding will ensure there are no surprises, unmet expectations, or resentments. Examples include: who does the dishes, cleans the bathroom, takes out the trash, and walks the dog?
5. Will you have rituals of connection?
The Gottman Method Approach to couples counseling emphasizes the importance of rituals of connection in relationships. These rituals allow couples to build intimacy and increase connection. For example, will you drink your morning coffee together on the porch? Play games on Thursday night? Spend Sunday morning in bed? Decide what the important things are as a couple early on in order to build upon them as your marriage unfolds.
6. How will you spend holidays and other family traditions?
When two people come together into one family unit, there will likely be negotiations around holidays and other traditions. What holidays will you celebrate? Which are the most important to each of you? Whose family will you spend them with? Finally, what new traditions will you create together?
7. What part will religion or spirituality play in your family?
What are each of your religious or spiritual beliefs? Will you attend religious or spiritual ceremonies together? What religious or spiritual beliefs will you pass on to your children? More than anything, this question is an opportunity to get curious about your partner and get to know them on a deeper level.
8. What role will sex play in your relationship?
Talking about sex can often feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable, but it’s essential to long-term relationship success. Ask yourselves what sex means to each of you. How important is a physical connection? And how will you handle the natural changes in your sex life?
9. What are each of your personal boundaries in the relationship?
Entering into a second marriage is a big change that offers its own unique set of challenges. Not only will each of your lives transform, but your relationships with family and friends will transform as well. Talk about what each of you needs from the other when it comes to personal space, alone time, and boundaries around friends and family.
10. Finally, what is your approach to conflict resolution?
All relationships will inevitably have conflict. Therefore, the important thing is to decide how the two of you will handle conflict when it arises. What happens when the two of you disagree, or when one of you is struggling in the marriage? One of the most important things premarital counseling can do is help the two of you learn to work together as a team so that when conflict does arise, you will be well equipped to handle it.
At The Relationship Therapy Center, in Fair Oaks and Roseville, Ca, our couples therapists teach couples tools for conflict resolution including communication, self-soothing, understanding, and empathy. Learn them now to save heartache and headache in the future.
Begin Premarital in the Sacramento Area
Finding the answers to questions like these can take time, patience, and in some cases, you may seek the help of a marriage counselor. Our couples therapists would be honored to support you and your partner as you prepare yourself to enter this new phase of your relationship journey as a married couple. We offer couples support from our Roseville, CA-based therapy practice, and through online therapy. To start your therapy journey, follow these simple steps:
Contact us to schedule a free 20-minute phone or video consultation
Meet with a caring therapist
Build a stronger bond with your partner
Other Services offered at The Relationship Therapy Center in California:
In addition to premarital counseling, Our Sacramento area counseling clinics located in Roseville and Fair Oaks, CA are pleased to offer a variety of mental health services. Our couples services include: Couples Counseling, Counseling after infidelity, sex therapy, co-parent counseling, family therapy, divorce counseling, intensive couples retreats, and premarital counseling. Our individual therapy services include anxiety treatment, therapy for children, teen therapy, depression treatment, codependency counseling and individual relationship counseling. Our therapists offer online counseling in California to treat a variety of mental health concerns. Please reach out to our Sacramento area therapy office to learn more about the many ways we can help you or your loved ones.